double standard

Are you hiding something from me?

or rather,

is there something I should know?


I feel invaded. I feel there is some kind of double standard going on.

Love or not

Love or not.

What is love?
A non-recognition, unbiased and unappreciated.

How can one love another, unconditionally?

Sometimes, I don't get it..
Sometimes.. I think I get it.

When my mom behaves in such annoying manner, I don't know myself at that moment.
Hot-tempered, screamer, no filial piety.
How is it to love another despite all their pretence?
I don't know if I could be a lover like my dad.

I hope I could. or at least found a man that would love no matter what...



I'm sappy like that.

Timebomb

My emotions are like a ticking timebomb. Activated.

Problems around me is starting all over again. I just wish peace. Not awkward silence.

You never understand our view. Never part of us. Never cared.
Attention seeking.
And dragging you to the door literally, shouting to your face to leave the house.
Pleading not to go. Door slammed at your face.
How that feels?

Nobody messes with our daddy. Not even if you're his wife.
We don't care.

Trouble maker, that's what you are.
I can't wait for everything to be over, get over it.


Things rolling. rolling by, I stoned. Nothing changed. You won't change, same ol' stubborn.


I caught myself excessively checking out countries around the world.
New York, Greece, Maldives, Britain, Australia etc.
I read the social, economic and politics.
Some places are much better to live and work in.
Some places offering better travelling spaces.



1 year in Melbourne alone is going to be possible. For now, its a wishful thinking but I hope for it one day.




God, banged my thigh against a sharp metal bar leaves me with a bruise. Fucking pain or what.
Bruises. I spotted similar bruises again. I don't like this one bit.

Staring

There is something bout the rain that always make people thoughtful.

I've been thinking and I guess I've been selfish. Chained, that's what you've become.



"Kiss the boys as they walk by, call me their baby.
But little do they know, I'm just a maybe.
Maybe my baby will be the one to leave me sore.
Maybe my baby will settle the score."

Oh our fear and hates... What shakes your ground?


"I never thought I could love anyone else but myself..."






I've been sleeping with gloves on. It's extremely ridiculous. But every morning, when I see my hands, my arms, it looks so damn good. No blood stains. No marks. I feel so much better already. Although of course my happiness is shortlived by a woman I sometimes think I was forced to call Mom.

Annoyed

The last time I recalled...

I never went on a holiday trip with a guy unless one acting as a tour guide.

I never 'encourage' a statement of 'possible' travelling together publicly.

I never aggravates the angst of someone you prefer not to befriend with by tagging in youtube post.

I never met the people who I 'flung' myself to.


oh of course this is just me.

let's blame it to the impending period. or maybe, easier.. just blame me.



Does the taste of sarcasm hurts?
oh of course, im being paranoid over nothing.

of course, nothing to worry about.

what was it? just a statement?

so is this. this is just a statement. of course it is.

what was I again? oh! immediately part of it.
Didn't recall the time you try to amend rather than asking again and again the same question.


cant figure it out right? dont bother. i told you it's me.

Marriage

The 2nd post:
Marriage.

The purpose of marriage.

What is marriage to you? Is marriage a process of continuing the act of love with a huge display of affection in front of everyone by a ring? or a tradition?

Let me bring you deeper into my thoughts.

Marriage is something I do not take lightly. I take pride in my parents, despite their bickering and utter annoyance towards each other, they continue to yearn for each other's comfort. They continue to kiss every morning at the front gate. My dad role is the man who brings the main income - note, i said main income, not bigger income. My mom is the woman who forces her children to school, ensure enough money gets by without us starving outside and inside the small house they bought together for the last 25 years, with no debt for the last 20 years. Because my parents are also not financially savvy, everything in this house was paid cash, upfront, always in full amount. Never on credit or installment.

Marriage is something I do not take lightly. I do not want to go into the position where my children couldn't get proper attention, necessity or food. I do not want my husband to be in debt. I do not want my husband to seek others help, seeking money for a wedding or buy my baby's milk. I want self reliance.

Marriage can be fun, self fulfilling, enjoying and a time of reflecting. But the problem with the society, marriage is just thought of that and nothing beyond.

So you may think I need a man who is rich enough to support me and bring away all these debts. The thing is I have never grown into a family full of money, maybe now, my parents can say they are finally stable. That's 28 years of marriage. No... my point is. All those achievements were from scratch. From their own sweat. From this thing called hardwork. Every single dollar was saved or spent on food, our education and the house bills. Any man can work... but can he protect his family and do his best in all capacity of his income, like my father? The one who worked in a place he barely liked but he continues because it feeds the family. Would you do that? To work for 30 years at the same bloody place you hate just so you dont get retrenched or kicked out or unemployed so your family can live?

Marriage is something I do not take lightly. So I hate it everytime the subject crop up in my face, when am I getting married? What's the point of marriage? Why do you want to get married?

If people are happy that way, they are good enough. No marriage is going to say you would be happier when you signed that piece of paper saying "Husband&wife". Whatever rocks your boat.

And on my boat. I dont believe marriage is going to make me happier than I already am. Maybe later in years I see the point of settling down, but for now.. please. do not ask me that question again.

Simplicity

The start of the chasing for ambitions. The start of a new chapter in life. The new beginning.

We grow up. Changing. Not changing.
Somethings won't change.

For all the times, the ups and downs... The assurance over the years would never be enough.
But the reason that held me down was the simplicity in life I could never comprehend by myself.

Somethings are meant to be difficult. In your search for self-fulfilment. In your search for certainty. In your search of self.

And somethings are not meant to be diffcult at all. Simplicity is falling in love with the man who spent less than 2 minutes doing a heart origami from a 55cents bus receipts.

For if we both know that the future is uncertain, why not make the best out of it now? Isn't that what you taught me? For if we could remove expectations on each other, it would remain simpler?

Somethings don't change. Somethings change.





Don't start searching for the warning signs. Don't start looking for excuses.
Don't beat about the bush with harsh sarcasm. And yet, be tolerant and sensitive.


If you miss me, just tell me so..
But don't start looking for the warning signs.

Loca

To be ambitious need some Loca in you. Some crazyness..

and so, if you recall, we planned to go Greece by age of 21. Too bad. Athens have to wait.

But baby,

June, my grad trip. I'm pleading my SEA trip of vietnam, cambodia and laos!! if not, Phuket. :)

But 2011, I want to see Vietnam. I don't care.

and Breast.

WE ARE DEFINITELY GOING NEW YORK CITY ONE DAYYYYYY!!!
possible oneeee...... :):)


trip checklist in my life:
Vietnam/Cambodia
NYC
Greece/Greek Islands
London
Maldives
South Africa


I should start learning how to swim. Takers?