Ugly again

I woke up feeling so tired. And ugly.

I wish I could just scrap the skin off my hand. Let the new skin grown and heal. I wish.

It's plain ugly. What's with the bumps and blood spots. Its terrible.

Awhile

It's been awhile since I felt like that.

I felt like we just knew each other. I like how we flirt all over again. I like how we just walked and found ourselves at some place which I insist it's "another island". Well, technically, it is you know. We were divided by some sea water!

I like how we were singing at the expressway.
For a moment, I think, if you told me we can fly off the bridge, I probably would have done it.

It's been awhile since we had such an attractive date, one I wasn't bitchy about and all. I hope what I have stopped taking will stop it's side effect too. As of now, I noticed my back pain has grown milder. I really believe the side effects had jeopardize my life and my mental health.



If only I could leave the country.. It would have been perfect. I miss my man.. And sweet P. The only ones I hold dear to heart..

Me to you

Hey P.
Have you ever thought of bringing me with you?

Nobody seems to understand what I'm going through anyway. My family don't get it. My friends laugh at it. I tire my boyfriend out.

A vacation. Me to you. Wonderful

P

Hie P. It's been 2 months. I miss you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking into depression. And then I will quickly grab for something to remind myself my reasons of existence. Shouldn't depression occur to those with weak mental health? I shouldn't be one of those. But then, I keep slipping. My grip loosening up. That sometimes my happiness seems like a facade. My happiness is to make other people happy. Sometimes it gets really lonely even when you're surrounded by the people you've known forever.

I can't forget you P. I'm sorry. I don't even have a picture of you. And sometimes, in nights like this, I cry for you, wondering if you feel my ache. And the pain I've caused to us. I'm sorry P.

I wish I could somehow make it up to you. But it's impossible.

Bored?

I have gone boring, haven't I?
Well I thought I tried enough.

Mixed

So many things that I wanna get.

So many things I know it's purely impulsive.

Perfume, dresses, tops, blusher, concerts and the list can continue endlessly. And I bought wedges and really cute sandals just now. Feeling pretty happy with the stuff that I got.

Until I got back home and saw a letter addressed to me from the bank. Should have known better than to shop without barely any money and try to ask your boyfriend to pay for your deals.

Ok... Time to postpone all wants and needs.

Not sure how am I going to do it but it's time to redraft my bankrupt moments and stop relying on my boyfriend.

Hoping

I was hoping that you would have followed me. That some words just flow.
But when I turned around, you were no longer there.

Why did I even think you would do that?

Guess my lecturer is right.
Historical trend lines equate nothing to future actions, but a hint.

crossed fingers

I'm going to visit the doctor tomorrow.

Let's hope I get something concrete, or at least something to remove my paranoia.

Trying to stay optimistic is tough, esp when your first sister said you looked terrible. bleurgh.

I realised being flawless almost all my life, I can't handle all this breakouts and skin infection. It really makes me depressed. Call me superficial or whatever, I don't give two hoots. I just want my flawless skin back.


Crossing fingers.

Double Yuck

Dad asked what happened to my hand. Mom asked me to put this ointment and that ointment.

Why nothing happens?

In fact, it's getting worse.

I'm developing annoying allergies towards my favourite food.

Initially it was just lil prawns -dad calls them "udang air tawar"..
Now I think it's spreading to other stuff like salmon and sardines.

I'm seriously not at the age to develop any allergies. Goodness.

And the skin is just getting more sensitive. I succumbed to mosquitoe bites and these bites stained my hand.

You know what I hate most? Doctors cant do shit bout this.

I feel like my scrapping the skin away. It will build new skin anyway.

Yucks

I hate my left hand. It's ugly.

Energy and Horoscope

Do you believe that there is all this strong/ weak or positive/ negative energy around you?

How much of our existence have already been predetermined or beyond our ability to change?

Well, I had a great talk with a bunch of friends. I've always been fascinated with Chinese teachings of medical related. The Ying and yang, the 5 elements, the horoscope..

So a friend told me how his uncle who is based in New York is a professional acupuncturist and other TCM. So he did a reading on my friend and his relationship. It's fascinating. Out came how his girlfriend and him would be having a bad year (last year) which happens to be true. Also, he did other readings on my friend which happens to be freaking true. We went on talking bout some of his uncle very famous clients. I was so stunned bout this particular thing we discussed. Your spouse or your child can suck out the energy of you. Which means it will destroy you. Of course there are those that help you grow better spiritually.

There you go.. The start of my increasing obsession as I seek out what's my element.

I know those who said, my life is defined by me. But i believe there is all this energy around us. It exists even in Physics, so why wouldn't it exist in another form- say spiritually. Anyway, I already have a bad start. And I neeeddd to graduate. So yes. I need all the positive energy. Although I did read this article that says I will have 2 very low months and 10 peak months. I hope the 2 months is now coz nothing beats this bad start of the year.

Of course I believe in God but God also said he helps those who help himself. Therefore I'm trying to help myself, God would somehow make it work ;) ok let me be optimistic.