Stranger

As I cleared my room and I stumbled on old memories... I can't help to smile. I can't help to feel what I felt back then. I can't help but felt happy of my happiness back then.

I smiled because I was in love.

I threw away some diaries that held bad memories. Why harp on old memories that do no good?

But I kept some. From the beginning of the journey.. To the lil gifts.. To the bigger gifts, even the paper bags that came with it.

Because I had thought back then, a day will come whereby I have to reminisce and remind myself..

That day was today, years after since the first gift, I sat down and reminisce my happiness. I know now what I seek for..

Just happiness. From then to now, my diaries were filled not about what he bought or what he had but what he said, how he made me laugh, how he looked and how he touched me. My diaries went on and on about my doubts on him. Not about his ability to support me, about his looks, about his age... But if we could always laugh together forever.

And I hope. I pray... That we would still see the world in a simple manner and to laugh.. Smile to what we have, a slight touch to the lips and a hug every single day...

Hope is all we have sometimes

Sometimes, I wonder,

Could I intervene and keep you by my side?

If it's a yes, what would happen to Mr Big and I?

Would we be facing you together?

What would my ambition be?

How much would I have changed?

Would I be able to survive?

What sort of work would I have taken up?

How different my life would be?

Would I be happier?

Would circumstances pushed me to survive alone?

Would I be able to make it through?

Could I have make it through alone?

I found the answer that be it a "Yes" or "No", both are cruel actions that will bring guilt.

Guilt of possible inability to bring joy. Guilt of not trying. Guilt.


Guilty of depriving myself happiness that deep within I know, I could have fought for.

And now, what am I?

In search of happiness, what am I truly? Where am I searching? What is it I'm finding really?

I guess I will never be what I was, again.

That my yearnings will never be found and my guilt will never be removed.

Maybe I was never truly convinced that the past was meant to be a lesson for an unanticipated future.

Maybe I was never convinced that I should be let off so easily for this mistake.

Maybe half my soul gone with the wind and that was suppose to be my punishment.

With that, maybe I will never be as happy as I was.

As I search for my other half that was gone. Gone when I decided to close my eyes and open it several hours after.

Just like that. Gone.



Gone with the wind and barely a kiss, P..