A lie

I would be lying if I say I don't miss you... Or how you smell.. Or how you let me play with your stubbles. Or how you always let me rant.. Or how you let me rest my head.. Or how you show me off in public.. Or how you hold my hand.. Or how you kiss me.

I would be lying...

But my heart is still aching.. And my eyes are still wet.. And my brain is tired.. And I'm starting to smoke a lot just to escape from reality, even for awhile.

I think this would do us good.. Because if we do comeback, I know we will be stronger.

From the movie Shame: "We are not bad people. We just come from a bad place."

A favour

I'm doing a favour for myself and Precious.

To redeem whatever broken pieces that was thrown on the floor. Is it not enough that I had supported you from lowest low of not working broke $0 and the highest high of your life? But when you're richer, you forgot. You forgot who was the one behind you all along. It wasn't you who was smart. It was me who pulled in almost all strings for you. From your starting job to how to dress to even help you fix the bike.

I guess it's typical. People who fly up above than who they really are and can be, always crash like a bird with broken wings. And then, they hope when they crash, they crash at a safety net. They thought the safety net will always be there. What they don't know, everytime they fall, the safety net has a hole. It just gets bigger.

I shall not see you.. Until you have prepared whatever I asked for. Which is so stupid. Because you can just give me her name the very least, but you can't. And you think withholding that information would make me come back to you.

Awake

I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Just awake. Staring at the ceiling.

So initially I thought that my depression had made you did whatever you did. I actually blamed myself.

Then I stopped. Wait a min. HotelRe was Oct 2010. Precious was only in Jan 2011. Things started even before the storm.

I can't do this. I can't do this.

I don't know why I bothered doing a timeline. I don't know why I care so much. I don't know why I actually stay up thinking.

God, I'm so stupid. All along. Soo stupid to fall in love. So stupid to fall for a family and a house bubble. So naive and stupid.

Stupid stupid stupid.. So stupid.

A test

So I put up a task. I asked for a list of things.

I do want to see how strong your will is to work this supposed important relationship.

Let's see how long it takes.

I'm sure it's not within this week. For some reason, I feel you still have a sense to protect her. Because you cared for her that much. Because you were in love that much. And because you think she doesn't need to be part of this wrath.

I'm a nobody. The one you just get paranoid for fun. Not the one you love or care. I'm the one you break slowly. For the fun of it. Nothing more serious.

Seriously, I don't think you can do it.
You will not provide me the entire list. Because you can not do it.

Because you love her still.

Tears

Tears probably made of 2% water and 98% of broken heart.

Why do we do this to each other?

As I gazed at Sara, I realize I may never get to have that feeling.

As I gazed at Sab and Sara, I realize I may never get that bond.

As Sara asked me for you, I feel a big stab right in the middle of my heart.

And I walked passed shopping malls playing songs we sang, seeing a Ducati on the road, seeing a couple kissing..... I cannot help but to stop breathing. Just stop. So I won't shed a tear in public.

Love... Is a cheap word that you should not rely on when thinking about the future. Because, it don't exist.

After all the anger and tears

I wailed like a child who lost her parent in a shopping mall.
I was fuming furious.

And now I lay bright awake, thinking at 6 am.

Where did I go wrong?
How come I missed all the signals?
Was I that naive?
Was I that trusting?
Was it wrong for me to trust?

All the advices and worries about me going to workforce was because you did it. You were actively doing it.
Your paranoia was because you were doing it.

And as I think back, it must have been more than 1 year. Ahh.

Love, makes you do strange things.. It makes us feel like you're on top of the world one second and then it makes us feel like we are the shittiest next.

I guess I'm always the 2nd best. I'm always burned.

But this is so damaging.. You made me not able to trust anyone new who comes into my life. Thank you very much.

The irony is, you were the one who taught me how to love and taught me to trust. But you were the same one that destroy everything. Everything.
From my dreams of a house to my dreams of naming our child to growing old with you. Nothing now. It's all burned down when I wailed out loud.

I hope Simon is still out there for you.

Funny

It's funny isn't it?

It's funny how we thought I was going to succumb to another man.
It's funny how we thought what a slut I am.
It's funny how I had fully trusted you.
It's funny how you were so paranoid for the very same actions you do.

Amazing.

So I guess this is how it feels to be single again.
Soon after the 7th year anniversary and my birthday celebration.

I had love you.

Too much

I love you.... Too much.

A case of wanting to kill you sometime and yet, just continually making love with you.

A case of cursing for a separate life but you know you can't live apart.

I love you too much.

A point of destruction and yet, intense passion.

Exhausting as it can be,
I love you.. Too much.

Mixed

There will be days like these where you get soooo angry that you don't know what to do, you just start bursting into tears.

So today is like one of those, except I got my period and I'm having a massive headache and work was hell and it really just drive me nuts.

Its always about the same thing. It's always the same reply. So why can't I just rely on that silence? So why can't I be used to it? Except I'm really trying hard to believe, to trust... And I don't know how long I can keep up with this feelings.

Truly, it's exhausting.

Days like these

There are just days..

Where I wish I could be cuddled instead of cuddling.
I wish I could be cuddled and hushed to sleep.

I'm so tired... So tired that I cry myself to sleep. I'm so tired....


Happy Birthday to me.
*blow to an imaginary cake and candle*