It has been like thousand of years since I last posted anything. Often, when I post something, I note it has been bleak.Maybe because I have no idea how to say the bleakest side of me out loud. Not many people want to hear your rantings or negativity or your doubts or insecurity.
And perhaps, this is why I have this blog. A point to rant everything. A point to miss Precious. I miss Precious. All the possibilities dashed. All possibilities are just dreams, but one day.. I may be able to realise it.
But lately, I have been feeling drained. Is it work? Is it family? Is it me? Is it my love life?And I realised I have no idea.
But analyzing it with a friend deeply makes me question.
I love my work. I truly love my work. It gives me much happiness to be there. I see progression ahead.
My family has been wonderful to me. In fact, better than my teenager years where I barely understood what my parents wanted.Truly didn't understand my mom and her concerns which at that point of time, I find it annoying or backwards.How about the love life then? I realised I'm beginning to be afraid. again.
I truly thought by getting married, I can get my emotional issues and paranoia straightened out. But how sure am I?As we sat in silence, I wonder how will we live together without friends to bond us. I wonder if we would ever stop bickering over minor stuff. I'm wondering if we have slowly, bit by bit, beginning to be set on journey of separate path that we both don't want to face but impending. Are we lying to ourselves? Are we holding on to the amount of time we have spent to comfort? How much are we still loving each other? Are we in love? For when he asked me whether the skirt I wore was new, I wondered, what else have we not noticed about each other? How long has it been that I sit down and stare and laugh at the simplicity of life? With expectations running high, with slipping of hurtful words, my heart aches.
So what do I want? I don't know. I want to know what are we fighting for. I want to know if this fight is what we truly want.
Maybe I can't truly forgive and I have been lying to myself and maybe I still felt betrayed. But I'm pushed by friends to work this relationship quickly and forget it without much time to heal the bruise. My mom cried and told me how much she loved him and told me if your relationship ends, it's your fault for not taking care of your man. I believed that. I believed that it was my fault afterall. Now I know, that's my mistake. I should have taken more time. I should have let things subside.
But I wanted the constant and normality returned because I'm so scared of perhaps losing the only person who knew me inside out. That's my insecurity. That's my hammock. That was and still is the only thing I know. But now, I'm beginning to fear that this is the same reason that drains me out. I'm seeing cracks between us. It's almost like we are on a boat together but we are missing some wooden planks, we are still afloat but we are just lying to ourselves that we would never sink. Because we would and it's coming. And I'm sad because I feel like it's my fault. I have no idea why but it must have been my fault, especially because people looked in and said I don't seem to put enough effort in the relationship. But I tried and I'm still trying but why does it seems to not always be enough?
I have never intend to find myself another man or anything. Knowing that this feelings I'm having is not because of a third party is even more confusing to me. Someone told me, maybe I should meet another man. Maybe then I would truly appreciate him better. Maybe I would then realise the sweetness in my relationship could never be replaced. If it's fated, we would always be together. That is even more confusing than the first. Am I being a brat and not contented with what I have? Do I really need to go out so to appreciate him? What does that ridiculous lines mean?
I am sorry if I am not as perfect as I wish to be. I am sorry for all the things I have done wrong to us.
For I have loved you so much but I am so tired and drained.
Quotes:
David: "What if we just acknowledged that we have a bad relationship, and we stuck it out, anyway? What if we admitted that we make each other nuts, we fight constantly and hardly ever have sex, but we can't live without each other, so we deal with it? And then we could spend our lives together -- in misery, but happy to not be apart"
Elizabeth: "Remember when you said we should live with each other and be unhappy so we could be happy? Consider it a testimony to how much I love you that I spent so long pouring myself into that offer, trying to make it work. But a friend took me to the most amazing place the other day its called, The Augustium. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the Barbarians came they trashed it along with everything else. The Great Augustus Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, one day would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over centuries. Feels like a precious wound, Like a heartbreak you won't let go of cause it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same David. Settle for living in misery because were afraid of change. Of things crumbling to ruins. then i looked around in this place at the chaos its endured. The way its been adapted, burned, pillaged, and found a way to build itself back up again...and i was reassured. Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, It's just the world that is. And the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. Even in this eternal city. The Augustium showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation.
Both of us deserve better than staying together because we're afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't."
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