Back up Plan

I finally catch some movies. So yesterday, on Mr Big's advise, I watched Coraline and chose another, the Back up Plan.

Coraline is a great odd movie. I mean, It's a lil mind fucking. There is this "another" world hidden behind, enticing, capturing souls. It's a dark childish animation, I would say. The yearning of a complete and perfect family given by "another mother" in another world. It's wicked but you kinda feel for the girl.

Back up plan is a cheesy love movie. Predictable ending. In fact, I didn't even wanna the ending. It was a real sweet movie and heavily pregnant JLo glows in her bridesmaid dress. hmm. Let's skip the ending already.

At night, Mr Big brought me out drinking. Great. Knowing I can barely hold my liquor/alcohol. And this idiot, made me drink 1 beer, 2 vodka and a shot CONSECUTIVELY. Tsk. and you call me weak when I vomit it out in the end. PPPPFFFTT. How often I drink again? Not fair.

And i bet you loovvee how I looked. Messy, falling apart and definitely needy. Hah! How terrible.......

Next time, a better one alright! ;)


Meanwhile, you Mr Big might like this hot girl:

Expectations

Let's draw things clearly: I like being a perfectionist.

So anyway, I guess I'm a lil upset realising I will never be perfect. Hah.
You could have deserved someone's better loving. I was just thinking, you could if you want to.
It's just a matter of the right opportunity rising.


I had a lil walk all alone and figured something out. I rather you tell me everything than not telling me. It's plain ego and "ouch" a lil, but I'm good at something. Blocking emotional thoughts. So, yes. I'm ok. Don't worry bout me. I bounce fast.

One of my thoughts is I should stop talking bout the big "M". It scares you off and it makes me hyper too much. It's going to be caged in my lil brain and my own pleasure imagination.

Second, "P" would not be mentioned here anymore further. It's reserved to my personal notebook and my own reading. I've said more than enough here and I'm not fearful of other's thoughts. It doesn't affect me. I know whose thoughts matter and those people are the only ones I care for.
Unless one is purely unsinned, don't judge another's sin.

And it's time to move on. The boys are waiting for my next move and I should start bossing. Time to ace something.

Time to pull myself out from the air.
To push all that insecurities I'm having with my body aside. The stretchmarks, the shrinking boobs, the unsmoothed back. You know what I want to do, I want to hide. I'm just feeling ugly. and terrible at everything else.


Urgh.

Boyfriend

Technically, this boy never asked me to be his girl. Which means, I've been vvveerrryyyy much loyal to one guy althought he never asked me officially. PFFT! Take that!



Mushy.


Ok. In all, I'm excited. I can really feel goodness flowing for this upcoming weeks although money is not flowing in any faster. Mr Big, I hope he gets what he likes. I hope he gets his breakthrough. Me? I can already feel some HD getting my way this semester. Not settling for anything else. I need Mr Big to back me up on that. We will pull this off strongly sweetheart.


By the way, I hate it when people keep saying I have it all. I don't. All this crap bout I have brains, beauty and stable boyfriend, crap.. If you don't know how we started out, don't say shit. And I'm hardworking. That's all.

For the better

Things are picking up from where we left. Confessions. We both heard enough.

But I guess I've opened up more than I thought I could. My heart and brain has open up to an idea previously I shunned. Precious.

Suddenly, I feel like I know what I want. Previously, I want a career, the money and a great sex life with the one I love. Marriage is a no-no and kids will ruin my life.
Now, I still want that career and money. But also, I seek for that eternal love that will back me up during my highs and lows. I want to find God in my heart and grow that love seed for 9 months in me, to remind myself the worthy of a woman that God only bless to us.

I want to wake up every single morning to see my love and close my eyes every night knowing I'm safe.

And you know what, I've never felt more certain that this will really happen to me. Soon. Maybe not so fast like within 3 years or something but somewhere in the future it will.

Or maybe, I've just gone crazy.

Always for you

For everything we do, it will always be for you.

I have gotten what I wanted to hear. I've learned.
Don't worry, Precious...

I will never forget you.


Love.

Vomit

Dear stomach,

I'm beginning to feel a lil too sick. Enough already. Everytime I eat, I vomit it all out. I can only eat crackers. I want to eat all those food, burgers and all. I'm beginning to feel like I'm having some eating disorder. Puke and more puke. Breathe.


From your unworthy owner,
Kiss kiss.

Noticed

My stomach haven't been strong still. I vomit after meals. diarrhea too. But I dragged myself out from the bed to bring mom and granny up Singapore flyers. Granny was so excited. Dad refuses because he can feel gravity pull with his weak heart. I don't want him to get attack in the air. Both granny and mom thought you came along. And mom was telling granny how even you agreed I keep buying the same type of clothes.

The very mentioned of your name itself struck my heart deep.

I noticed that you had hide your relationship status. You might have done it earlier but yes, I did notice it before I left home.

Does that mean we have ended or is it, just me?

That questioned lingered in my head for the entire day. I got tired to put up with a happy front. I'm suppose to be pulling up my socks already to kickstart the project work. The boys are waiting for my move. I can't even read well right now, the fuck?

And the only best thing that happened was you replied, with a question mark as a start.

But I still felt I had lost you out there.

Maybe..

Maybe in the future you're going come back..
Only way to really know is to really let you go.


maybe.....

Corner of your heart

I wish..... I could occupy one minute of your day.

The scene kept replaying in my head. A torment indeed.
I never wanted to hurt you. It was never my intention.
I felt guilty. I felt ridiculous. I'm lost.

A friend told me to let you breathe. Let you go.
I can't.

I'm grasping for every thin line that I could not to let you go.
I checked my FB relationship status every 10 mins.

And then, it dawns me. My presence is hurting you.
I'm hurting you in every way that I thought could amend things.
My touch, my voice, my face.. My very last words hurt you.

As much as I just want you back in my arms, I'm being selfish.
Stupid, selfish me.


So go my love. Go and take your much needed break from this monster.



I kept looking at the clock. 13:20. The time I woke up.
I wish so bad I felt pain. A pain that would shoot up through my brains.
But I'm that useless.. I can't even feel any pain.
There was no pain. No pain..
I keep reaching but there was no pain.
Fucking useless me.

Losing

I'm losing my grasp. I'm lost for words. I'm desperate to make things right and I can't. I'm losing.... And as I reflect, I deserve it. Afterall, a mistake or not, I cheated still.

I feel so lost. Suddenly, thrust to be alone without your guidance. Taking that step has never been so difficult. And all I want.. All I want.. Is to curl back in your arms.

I sat in the train. Looking at a couple in front of me.



I lost Precious and Mr Big on the same day. What does that make me?


Stupid. That's what I am. Too stupid to not see what I had.

Porcelain Fist

I decided to call you, Precious. To label you and make you feel more real. 14th Jan 2011 will never be forgotten because of you.

I could have be with you but precious precious, that's what you are. And I'm not fit. I apologies.... Yes, I wish I was....

You've marked my life. I should have been your caretaker but I failed. Even from the start... My heart heavy with the final news. I only have myself to blame.

And for you, I've decided that my schooling life has now a purpose. It's dedicated to you. Rebuilding pieces of my life that is now felt empty. And I promise to seek the inner peace and learn to forgive myself.

And you Precious, shall remain ever dearest to my heart.

Wronged

1] I need a freaking job, sooonnn. I can barely pay my bills with all this waiting.

2] School wasn't entirely fun. It was normal..

3] Reflecting on what I'm going to do.. How wrong it's all turning out. And simply afraid to go through this.

4] I never meant to hurt you. A total disgrace on my part. And i know sorry is aint enough.

Moving on

After being in Phuket bout 5 nights, I want nothing more but a bed and mineral water.

Time to detox the body from all beer and other cocktails, or whatever sinful stuff that entered my body. Phuket- island of sins and pure lust. Too many hot girls and cheeky boys around. I was checking out girls way too often that someone questioned my sexuality. Hah.

School starts in bout 12 hours time. And I'm not ready yet for it. Heart is still in Phuket. There's a scent in Phuket that I fell in love with which till now I can't identify. I smelled it yesterday when the family at Changi but I can't locate who sprayed that perfume or something. Too fast.

Made friend with a girl at Phuket and she invited me to go with her in May. She has the hots for my cousin. Heh. Got to check out whether he wanna see her still. Hah! ;P


P.s: Mr big, I heart you still. <3

Because the truth is

Because the truth is.... I have lost all my excitement to head Phuket.

Because the truth is... I'm still checking my hp wondering if you had cared.

Because the truth is... I wish you had ask a simple question like- How are you feeling?

Because the truth is... I'm not sure if we are holding on together.

Because the truth is... It's mentally and physically draining.

Because the truth is... I foresee I will be going through all this alone.

Difficult

And you thought you're going through a hard time.
2010 was an amazing year and stunning. How I see some of my friends literally grow and be somewhat achievers in their life. I'm glad and proud of them. But unfortunately, I have to face this. It doesn't end with a bang. It ends with a paranoia.

2011, I hope I would be a better person. To find inner peace and move on with my life. I thank my beloved friend for being with me through this tough time. And I endlessly thank her for keeping me sane. To a more awesome friendship and a long lasting one.


I'm disappointed. I thought you could handle it much better but now, I realize you're not fit for the news. You disappeared. Literally out of my life. If you think the news was hard, what bout me?
Move on with your life.
If I have to pull through this alone, I will.



Phuket. Here I come! Alone and in peace.
Bless me with some good luck ;)