What i want

There are so many things to find or do. This is my "I WANT" list!

I want to get my licenses done! My class 2A, class 3, swimming, maybe diving and other bunch of licenses that I can hold on to.

I want to do my cracked lens iPhone.

I want a new sling small bag for me to get around on a slack day.

Oh wait! I want a new wardrobe!

I want a good black heel- a comfortable, handmade and soft heel that I can walk around in hours! I have one contact now!

I want to do food-finding. Viet food, Jap buffet, HK dishes, carousel, think crust pizza and other countless ones.

I want to get Kawasaki ninja 250cc in red.

I want to be active in yoga or pilates or maybe, something more aggressive, kick boxing maybe?

I want to go New York next year. Or rather in my lifetime, to see Greece, backpack across Indochina, submerged in Maldives and seek the best viewing natural spots- aurora, eclipse.

I want to start investing my money accordingly.

Ok time to pop the bubble. 4th friend found a job, through referral. You know times are bad when friends alike can't find a job unless through referrals or a serious amount of relevant experiences. Bad bad. All 4 contractual as well. How insecure and to begin with, crisis is not starting yet. Well it will, in bout maybe after Nov this year? It's like a timebomb. Waiting for a big financial company to make a terrible mistake before everyone goes down. Bleurgh.

I'm more annoyed of not getting a job rather than my money dwindling down. I'm stuck at home, with nothing to look forward for, I actually really feel stupid. Sleep, eat, computer, eat, sleep. Bleurgh......

Talk

Talk is so fucking cheap. So fucking cheap.

Thankful. A word people seem not to understand anymore.

OWC

I wish that I get to meet someone, preferably a woman, from this club to explain to me in detail, the meaning of obedience in their context.

I can't help but to think over and over again about them as they spread further their wings, trying hard to plant these seeds of ideology.

Initially, I was taken aback. Did they say wife should be better than first class prostitute? Did they say that if wife are better in bed, the husband would not leave them/ stray/ mistress, whatever that may lead to a divorce?

And I tried very hard to think and justify their words. Especially so since it's supported by some women. Well, ok... A man is a man- egoistic, chauvinistic, whatever. Prideful, they are supposedly the leader of the family. So I guess, well if the wife let him do whatever whenever he probably thinks his wife is so great and etc. Well yeah, a wife duty is to serve the husband. But what exactly is this meaning of "serving"?

So you know what, I can't. I can't be any less mad at these women who think they can let these men get away with these ideas. Serving your husband dutifully is your duty whatever. But don't blame divorce on the wife's incapability to satisfy the husband. That is so narrow minded and trying a method called - one solution for all. So what are they trying to say- bad sex = wife's fault = husband straying/ gambling/ mistress = divorce? Omg. How much more dumb can this club be?

Let's start with sex.
Women associate sex with feelings. We don't normally have raging hormones, thinking bout sex 24/7. Wives got duties- some have to work while managing the house an the kids. So to get a women to have sex, apart from making her tipsy, is to make her happy first. A not happy woman = bad sex or even better, no sex.
Next, women takes time to get their body heat up. Once, I heard a joke- men are like microwaves and women, an oven. So if the man sucks at heating up the atmosphere, I'm guessing the lady can't be equal bothered as well.

Alright, done with sex. Let's talk about divorce.
Divorce are done mutually in most cases, if they don't already try to kill each other. Situations leading to divorce can be extensive. But look at this, it takes more than one factor alone to lead to a divorce. Don't blame bad sex for divorce. That makes you men look terribly dumb. There was a reason why you had gone down on one knee and asked her for a marriage. There was a reason that convinced you that for a moment you see your life great with her. Because she was pretty, loving, caring, strong.. Whatever your preference.
If you had strayed, was it truly her fault and solely, her fault? Afterall, it takes two hands to clap.

Until you get down to the bottom-line reason of why there is a rise in statistic for divorce, you will never get to solve the problem. Bad sex maybe a minute factor, probably more like morals and upbringing are preferably the point of reasonings. Sex cannot solve gambling addiction of a husband. Even good sex cannot solve a husband who has sexual addiction or a husband who cannot support the family. A marriage needs both parties to come together and work it out hand in hand.

And the best part, didn't this group also supported polygamy? How do you explain that then? A wife so obedient in bed and yet, a husband continue to seek for another wife. Bloody contradictions.

You know what I think, a woman who is submissive are the ones often get caught in these crazy problems. And ladies, if a man wants you to be obedient, taking everything and giving back nothing, leave that MCP (male chauvinist pigs)

We ladies deserve nothing less but a good true love from a man who understands and love us wholeheartedly. Don't go for anything lower. Oh, unless you're after his money.

Happy

You know what is the most difficult thing to achieve apart from growing money? It's happiness. People seek happiness in all sorts of ways. They found major gratification in differing ways: some found them in drinking, some found them in having a family, some found them by being alone.

I have been feeling pressured to upkeep a happy face. I begin to question myself...
For whom exactly am I doing a particular action for? Is it for me or is it for someone else?

At home, I feel pressured to please mom. Her and her stereotypes. In fact, I just overheard her telling her friend: Let her work, study so hard also for what?
Which for some reasons, got me all upset. All depressed. Pressured to show that my education will really materialized. That my brain is worth more than just facing books. I got tired.

When I'm out, I feel a constant need to please and make someone happy. I got tired.

No matter what I do to overcome my shortcomings, no one seemed to care. In their head, they have a major problem with a particular shortcoming. For my mom, it's about me still unable to find a job. For others, my lack of time and traveling spaces. But no matter how I try to cover my shortcomings, to placate them, it's always not enough. It's never enough. It's always I never try hard enough. I realize in my bid to make someone happy by trying to do everything else, they continue to pounce on that shortcoming. No matter what.

So I got tired. I got tired of pleasing and trying my best to make people happy. I realize in my bid to make them happy, I try to do all sorts of things that it starts to make me unhappy.

I begin to question like who exactly am I pleasing? What exactly do I get? Why, what and for whom are the biggest questions lingering in my head. If I'm fighting, at least I want to know why am I fighting. I want to know what am I defending.

Why are people expecting so much from me? Why are people so pressurizing?

And I needed to hear a genuine laugh. I need to see a genuine smile. That's all. But I swear, that is the most difficult thing to get by these days. To be genuinely happy without expecting anything more.

Because I'm truly tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of pleasing. I'm tired trying to make people happy, at the stake of my own happiness. I'm tired of defending.
I only have so much to offer. I know my shortcomings. I know my fault lines. I only can offer my genuine love and care but if you're true happiness lies in one able to do more things rather than all this bullshit love and care, than please move on. Because I've said, I've only so much to offer.

I don't understand

I don't understand a lot of things.

I don't understand why people have to be very mean and perspective have to divert always back to picking up small ancient matters that also created war.

I don't understand why OWC was such narrow minded bunch of people. Do they really think the problem with divorcing trends right now is due to women disobedience- or rather, not satisfying their husband needs accordingly? A suggestion so foolish that caused an outburst saying how Islam is immoral and only bout sex and violence. Foolish foolish group. It demeans women status which have never been taught in the teaching. It takes logic to understand certain rules but it takes some stupid influential people to change the whole meaning of a good rule. Religion and politics. Interestingly unnecessary.

I don't understand the true beauty of mother nature. Aurora, eclipse, sun, moon. There are so many out there, so many unseen and unheard of, so many yet to explore. To appreciate some of these beauties would be a delight to me!

I don't understand a human's mind. The brilliance can be both destructive and yet, scarily creative. So many home stay, camps, exotic places to see. Some in the safari, some in Norway. And if I have the money, I would visit all!

I don't understand human connection. Brain waves. But I like how couples turned up, surprised, caught in similar clothes. Grey shirt with a grey dress on. I like it. It's always like: great minds think alike! Or how, you look at each other and laughed heartily over a single liner because it's the weirdest comment ever.

I don't understand life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I want to achieve. But I know I will be fine. I just got that feeling, something good is coming. It will take awhile, but I can feel it coming.

I'm going to clear the air bout OWC in a lil while. For now, I'm happy. I've felt so elevated, best since weeks. Being cooped up at home is not really good for the brain. Sometimes, it makes me feel so lazy I can barely bother to know the current news. I refuse knowledge. So Mister Big is definitely a major psychiatrist. He should pursue that field. He would make a good one.


Qis Asroura, a beautiful name wouldn't it be?

Opportunities

I have been pretty much bumming and it's definitely not my expertise.

I'm so restless, agitated more like it, because I have nothing to look forward for, nothing to be excited for, nothing to be keen on. Nothing. And ya, I am supposedly on job hunting moments and boy, don't I hate job hunting! It's the most tedious part of all! Finding someone who would believe in you beyond all those certificates or the lack relevance you have. It doesn't matter if you have the brains but if in the paper, you can't prove it, you might as well scoot off.

So, I have been thinking on what I really like to do. My ambitions, my drive, my life in it. Guess what, I don't know a shit of what I want to do with my life. So they say let's begin with what you like- well, I like great music, make up, mathematics, puzzles, reading and most of all, I like to feel useful. I like arts, connecting and engaging with people around me. I like a lot of things, I can't pinpoint which want I want to pursue. Ok.. Fine, how bout starting with something I don't like? Well, I don't fancy being an insurance agent. Not because of the stigma, but rather I just don't feel right to it. There's just something bout it that I just won't gel. Even during schooling days, I realise I do not fancy the job of financial consultant. I won't say I hate it, I just don't fancy it. Preferrence.

And then, comes about this problem with experience. Someone should have told me when I was 16, how important your working life is. No matter how crappy that back end job, it's superficial you know why? Cause everyone wants to know that you work for this gigantic company although really, what you've been assigned to was crap. So now, my main background goes back to retail. See, I have no qualms about retail, in fact I love it! But when you have a major in Economics and Finance from some private institutions, the thing is no one thinks that whatever you learn in retail is useful and if any, most would think redundant.

Also, as I was reflecting, a job search is like 2 apples -red and green, assuming you have never eaten before an apple. You are not sure if red is better than green or if red is sweeter than green. But you've heard people telling you bout these apples. And you are not sure if you really like it. It's like you wanna try red apple but what if green apple is better, healthier? And you are not really sure if you are going to like red apple anyway. Then, comes the question of how are you going to find these apples? Do you grow yourself, find a direct supplier or find someone who knows where to get these apples? Since you have never tried any of these apples, how are you going to decide? What decisions to base on?

Headache. I'm definitely better off in school, academically; ignorant of this other world: the working world. But oh well, I'm supposed to be an adult now. So I should seek some income.

Being an adult is tough.

Till the right opportunity come calling my handphone, updates soon.



FortheloveofP

To a dear friend

Dear friend,

It's been so long since I last met you and we sat down for a talk. It's amazing how we could connect and talk at differing levels and understand each other. For that, I've always thank God that I knew you. You are not only a friend but I've regard you as my mini angel that reminds me of both tragedy and love in this world, in religious context.

And I'm so happy for you, even slightly envious, of the change I've seen in you. It's for a good cause and it makes you better as a person. For you have found the light, the path and the guidance, do hold on to it tight. Challenges are huge but I know you will do just fine.

You have always been there, supportive of me, assisting my understanding and like a good teacher, never scold me for my doubts. Logic and imparting knowledge, are definitely your strengths. Thank you for that.

One day, when I have found my will and the hints of light, I know you will be the proudest ever friend. Till then, please do not stop acknowledging my ignorance and continue teaching me. Remind me.

Death. Life. Such a thin line. But what wonders it bring.

Till then dear friend, I am so proud and relieve I know you as a friend. May all your prayers come true. I hope you continue being strong.. For you are my pillar of hope, that there are indeed truth somewhere out there.




FortheloveofP