Beyond words

Why can't I be worried? Why can't I say no? How often I said no? Is my concern less severe than your supposed needs to satisfy them across?

How many years already you had bought over here? Why now you must die die go over? Because your friends made you want to do it? Because you feel less a man not knowing how to go about? Because what?

You hurt me so bad seeing you tore that piece of paper. You tore my effort of trying to secure it for months. You tore my last few money assisting you to get it. You tore my checklist, of things for us to move ahead. Of course, what is money to you? What is concern to you? Why would it even be important anyway?

I have no more words. I have no more yearning to do anything for us. For what? You will tore it in anger or in split second. Why I try so hard, I wonder? Why should I even bother?

What are promises if you can't fulfill it anyway?

Misunderstood

I don't know what or why... But your idea or expectation of me is out of proportion and almost far fetched. Like you confused me for someone else.

And you forgot...

That I too have emotional needs. That maybe all I wanted was that when I'm angry, you could hug me. That when I said I'm cold, you could try to warm me. That you willingly offer to send me home without all the ridiculous complains.

But it's always bout you. Always.

Promises

Promises promises promises.

People make promises without real intention of keeping to it. They make all sort of promises to make the other person happy.

Only to forget, ignoring it months later when you think such promises are dumb, silly and stupid.

So one lesson: DO FUCKING NOT MAKE PROMISES TO ME UNLESSS you can work them.

I love you too

It's not that I don't. But I'm afraid.
It's not that I don't wish to say it out loud. But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of losing you but I'm afraid of myself. A monster in the making. I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how not to think bout it.

I don't know how to move. Maybe we all need time.

Sometimes I can't help but think, why are we so destructive to the person we care for the most.....

I miss me being oblivious and trusting.

Wandering mind

Sometimes, I hate knowing anything.
It makes you connect dots that may never exist or exist coincidentally. But whatever it is, it makes me have a wandering mind. A paranoid mind.

A tired mind and a paranoid mind is a very very bad combo.

Maybe I just need a massage and a rest day.

A lie

I would be lying if I say I don't miss you... Or how you smell.. Or how you let me play with your stubbles. Or how you always let me rant.. Or how you let me rest my head.. Or how you show me off in public.. Or how you hold my hand.. Or how you kiss me.

I would be lying...

But my heart is still aching.. And my eyes are still wet.. And my brain is tired.. And I'm starting to smoke a lot just to escape from reality, even for awhile.

I think this would do us good.. Because if we do comeback, I know we will be stronger.

From the movie Shame: "We are not bad people. We just come from a bad place."

A favour

I'm doing a favour for myself and Precious.

To redeem whatever broken pieces that was thrown on the floor. Is it not enough that I had supported you from lowest low of not working broke $0 and the highest high of your life? But when you're richer, you forgot. You forgot who was the one behind you all along. It wasn't you who was smart. It was me who pulled in almost all strings for you. From your starting job to how to dress to even help you fix the bike.

I guess it's typical. People who fly up above than who they really are and can be, always crash like a bird with broken wings. And then, they hope when they crash, they crash at a safety net. They thought the safety net will always be there. What they don't know, everytime they fall, the safety net has a hole. It just gets bigger.

I shall not see you.. Until you have prepared whatever I asked for. Which is so stupid. Because you can just give me her name the very least, but you can't. And you think withholding that information would make me come back to you.

Awake

I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Just awake. Staring at the ceiling.

So initially I thought that my depression had made you did whatever you did. I actually blamed myself.

Then I stopped. Wait a min. HotelRe was Oct 2010. Precious was only in Jan 2011. Things started even before the storm.

I can't do this. I can't do this.

I don't know why I bothered doing a timeline. I don't know why I care so much. I don't know why I actually stay up thinking.

God, I'm so stupid. All along. Soo stupid to fall in love. So stupid to fall for a family and a house bubble. So naive and stupid.

Stupid stupid stupid.. So stupid.

A test

So I put up a task. I asked for a list of things.

I do want to see how strong your will is to work this supposed important relationship.

Let's see how long it takes.

I'm sure it's not within this week. For some reason, I feel you still have a sense to protect her. Because you cared for her that much. Because you were in love that much. And because you think she doesn't need to be part of this wrath.

I'm a nobody. The one you just get paranoid for fun. Not the one you love or care. I'm the one you break slowly. For the fun of it. Nothing more serious.

Seriously, I don't think you can do it.
You will not provide me the entire list. Because you can not do it.

Because you love her still.

Tears

Tears probably made of 2% water and 98% of broken heart.

Why do we do this to each other?

As I gazed at Sara, I realize I may never get to have that feeling.

As I gazed at Sab and Sara, I realize I may never get that bond.

As Sara asked me for you, I feel a big stab right in the middle of my heart.

And I walked passed shopping malls playing songs we sang, seeing a Ducati on the road, seeing a couple kissing..... I cannot help but to stop breathing. Just stop. So I won't shed a tear in public.

Love... Is a cheap word that you should not rely on when thinking about the future. Because, it don't exist.

After all the anger and tears

I wailed like a child who lost her parent in a shopping mall.
I was fuming furious.

And now I lay bright awake, thinking at 6 am.

Where did I go wrong?
How come I missed all the signals?
Was I that naive?
Was I that trusting?
Was it wrong for me to trust?

All the advices and worries about me going to workforce was because you did it. You were actively doing it.
Your paranoia was because you were doing it.

And as I think back, it must have been more than 1 year. Ahh.

Love, makes you do strange things.. It makes us feel like you're on top of the world one second and then it makes us feel like we are the shittiest next.

I guess I'm always the 2nd best. I'm always burned.

But this is so damaging.. You made me not able to trust anyone new who comes into my life. Thank you very much.

The irony is, you were the one who taught me how to love and taught me to trust. But you were the same one that destroy everything. Everything.
From my dreams of a house to my dreams of naming our child to growing old with you. Nothing now. It's all burned down when I wailed out loud.

I hope Simon is still out there for you.

Funny

It's funny isn't it?

It's funny how we thought I was going to succumb to another man.
It's funny how we thought what a slut I am.
It's funny how I had fully trusted you.
It's funny how you were so paranoid for the very same actions you do.

Amazing.

So I guess this is how it feels to be single again.
Soon after the 7th year anniversary and my birthday celebration.

I had love you.

Too much

I love you.... Too much.

A case of wanting to kill you sometime and yet, just continually making love with you.

A case of cursing for a separate life but you know you can't live apart.

I love you too much.

A point of destruction and yet, intense passion.

Exhausting as it can be,
I love you.. Too much.

Mixed

There will be days like these where you get soooo angry that you don't know what to do, you just start bursting into tears.

So today is like one of those, except I got my period and I'm having a massive headache and work was hell and it really just drive me nuts.

Its always about the same thing. It's always the same reply. So why can't I just rely on that silence? So why can't I be used to it? Except I'm really trying hard to believe, to trust... And I don't know how long I can keep up with this feelings.

Truly, it's exhausting.

Days like these

There are just days..

Where I wish I could be cuddled instead of cuddling.
I wish I could be cuddled and hushed to sleep.

I'm so tired... So tired that I cry myself to sleep. I'm so tired....


Happy Birthday to me.
*blow to an imaginary cake and candle*

One day

I have always love gems. Love love gems. Blame dad. He has books on gem stones.

So when a friend suddenly spotted with a crystal necklace and self-bought diamond ring, it made me intrigued to reread about gem stones.

So I conclude..

One day, I will own my own sapphire teardrop ear studs & sapphire ring, wrapped with gold. Andd, amethyst necklace. Amethyst promotes calmness. Which I think I have too much chaos. so one day... Ear rings, rings and necklace. Beautiful.

Quietness

I wasn't looking for right or wrong.
I wasn't looking for a fight.

I'm so glad you find me.
Overjoyed really.

I miss you, really... You have been the entire world that I know of.
But I guess we need time to think.
I love you, always.

Who knows

Who knows what will happen...

But I'm wondering, if you think about me as much as I do for you....

I miss you badly.. But I'm afraid my move to contact you, will destroy any possible peace that might fall upon us.

I just.. Miss you a lot.

What could be more worse?

What could be more worse than your heart stop beating?

And you ache for some pain.
And you long for some touch.
And you wish for a relief.

I cried. More than I should. I cried. More than I could remember.

I cried like Precious just left us.

I don't know if it's right or it's wrong. But I never felt this depressed after so long.

I can only hope, with time, I can move forward with you. With time, I have no fear. With time, I'm more certain than I ever was. I'm not sure when but I'm hoping I will be so soon.

And I hope you don't give up on me.

P

I imagine you running around wild, naked and free.

I imagine you laughing, attracting everyone around you with magnetizing love.

I imagine you crack one of your cute lil moves to impress your audience.

I imagine you said "I love you"

I imagine you holding my hands.

I imagine you kissed my cheeks.

I imagine.

Because that's all I can do. Imagine you around me, needing me. Imagine.

HB

Happy Birthday Precious.

It's been 2 years... It truly felt like just days ago. I love you very much.

Happy Birthday my love...

Damaging

What could be more damaging than doing something you don't know at all? It is being motivated for the wrong reasons- like money.

This is what I believe. When you stop being motivated for money, you are more humbled and encouraged to progress and be curious to learn. You placed your interest beyond all and even if you don't know what's your interest, along the way, you will discover it.

I'm not saying money is bad. I'm saying experience is important. Curiosity is important. Learning is important. So if you gave me a choice of working in the operational side of banking for $5000 vs to my current job, I will still choose my current job. Because I love it. Because I enjoy it. Because I learn so many things beyond the class, beyond what I could imagine.

That's my point. To be motivated by your interest, not by your pay. Esp so when you're young. What's the rush?

Life, you can't always plan it and hopes it goes your way. Things will change. One day, your right step forward could just change how your entire life is. I'm all about love and passion.

Sometimes, excess money given to a person does more harm than good. They may not know what to do and end up splurging on things they can't afford on normal basis. Without a clue at all, they destruct themselves.

7

I never thought it come to this very day where I will wish Mr Big a happy 7th.

7.

Can you believe it?

And precious dearest, our love would be 2.

How time goes so fast?

I miss you both dearly..

Underneath it all

At the end of the day, I know one thing... I like kicking it back with Mr Big, seeing how ridiculous he can be. Seeing him eat and laugh.

All that was lacking.... A picnic box.

We should go picnic soon.

Standing by your partner

It's not always because he/she cheated on you and due to public humiliation, you stand rooted and stood by your partner.

Standing by your partner includes every small decision and of course, the large ones as well.

But you don't realize how hard it is to stand solid on the ground until you're tested.

Its a true test of loyalty, patience and a lot of believing. Believing in someone is not easy. Believing that their decision will not harm the relationship you have is not easy. To stand grounded although your own beliefs beginning to shiver. To hold on to that thin thread of hope that things can move on and will be better.

I have been grounded for so long and all I wish for is that one day, I can kick back and relax. Sip a drink, reading a book and watch the world pass by. To be financially free.

And if one thing partners need to remember is that, every smart or stupid decision one makes... It will always, always, always affect the other partner too.

Loving

Really, what does it mean to love someone?

Do you have to be involved physically?
Does it require you to personally know the person?
Do you need to spent a lot of time and effort?

I love Precious. One that I never met, I never knew, I never touch. But I love it with all my heart and soul; ways which I never knew

could happen. How can I love some thing that I never knew? But I did. And truly, that was my deepest love.

Imperfections in all of us. How can we love someone with all our heart, knowing all their imperfections? Are we blinded by love or are we merely tolerating? What really do we look for in love? What are the conditions to love?

And then.. There I go seeing lesbian partners holding hands. I see young couple with a throng of children behind them. I see couples who are millions old and still look in each other eyes as if they never had aged.

Really, love- is it as hard as it seems?

Stranger

As I cleared my room and I stumbled on old memories... I can't help to smile. I can't help to feel what I felt back then. I can't help but felt happy of my happiness back then.

I smiled because I was in love.

I threw away some diaries that held bad memories. Why harp on old memories that do no good?

But I kept some. From the beginning of the journey.. To the lil gifts.. To the bigger gifts, even the paper bags that came with it.

Because I had thought back then, a day will come whereby I have to reminisce and remind myself..

That day was today, years after since the first gift, I sat down and reminisce my happiness. I know now what I seek for..

Just happiness. From then to now, my diaries were filled not about what he bought or what he had but what he said, how he made me laugh, how he looked and how he touched me. My diaries went on and on about my doubts on him. Not about his ability to support me, about his looks, about his age... But if we could always laugh together forever.

And I hope. I pray... That we would still see the world in a simple manner and to laugh.. Smile to what we have, a slight touch to the lips and a hug every single day...

Hope is all we have sometimes

Sometimes, I wonder,

Could I intervene and keep you by my side?

If it's a yes, what would happen to Mr Big and I?

Would we be facing you together?

What would my ambition be?

How much would I have changed?

Would I be able to survive?

What sort of work would I have taken up?

How different my life would be?

Would I be happier?

Would circumstances pushed me to survive alone?

Would I be able to make it through?

Could I have make it through alone?

I found the answer that be it a "Yes" or "No", both are cruel actions that will bring guilt.

Guilt of possible inability to bring joy. Guilt of not trying. Guilt.


Guilty of depriving myself happiness that deep within I know, I could have fought for.

And now, what am I?

In search of happiness, what am I truly? Where am I searching? What is it I'm finding really?

I guess I will never be what I was, again.

That my yearnings will never be found and my guilt will never be removed.

Maybe I was never truly convinced that the past was meant to be a lesson for an unanticipated future.

Maybe I was never convinced that I should be let off so easily for this mistake.

Maybe half my soul gone with the wind and that was suppose to be my punishment.

With that, maybe I will never be as happy as I was.

As I search for my other half that was gone. Gone when I decided to close my eyes and open it several hours after.

Just like that. Gone.



Gone with the wind and barely a kiss, P..

Je'taime

To dearest Precious,

For I have missed you oh so dearly and this song... this song reminds me of my confusion, pain, ache and my longing...

Je'taime.

How can one fall in love with somebody or even, something, that they have never met, touch, smell or kiss?

But I did.

For when you left, I felt that you took half of me away.

And that I'm still half of what I was. That I'm still finding you. That I'm still finding the other half that was taken away.

Regret and longing.

That's all I am. Regretful of what causes these.. Longing for you.

Longing for you....

Tripping

Of all things I'm afraid, I most scared that one day I would fly high above what I knew I could be.

That I no longer want to stay grounded.
That I change dramatically and forgot the people who made me as I am today.
That I became ignorant of issues around me.

I fear. And I need a stronger person, more than ever to remind me, to lead me and make me reflect of the world today.

That I'm not alone and every factor affects another factor.

Which makes me question myself...

So what now brings me happiness?
What now makes me feel alive?

Tripping. I never knew I would trip on a simple question. But it makes me wonder... What is it I'm chasing for?

What is it I'm truly finding for at the end of the day?

Ranting

I hate being sick.

When your tummy grumbles but no food satisfy it.. When your body aches and you don't know why..

When you just want your partner to be there when you open your eyes, lull you back to sleep, twirling your hair and some kisses in between....

Times when I wish we already have a home to call our own. Lovely and heart warming home..

Missing

It's funny how you don't realize that sometimes you take things for granted.

Like waking up to a good morning messages. Or a call a day who asked how you are. Or that quick embarrassing "I love you" because people are around.

That I don't realize how weak I am being so far from him. That I don't have any will to get out from bed and awaits for the elusive text.

It occurs to me, that I'm always a wreck when he is not within my reach easily.

I miss you, come back home already!

Just sometimes..

Just sometimes you wish you could...

hear those 3 words more often.
hear a compliment about the new dress, look etc.
feel more appreciated.

Perhaps, feel more noticed.

Footprints

Footprints...

It signifies memories marked to you. Etched in your head, nagging.

When Mr pick it out, I instantly thought of you... Memories & footprints.

My life will always evolve around you. That I'm highly certain. 1 year on, not an inch of that pain disappears.


I miss you.

14 Jan

Same date, different year, a whole lot different event.

2011, Precious left. Leaving me so heartbroken, I cried when I sleep and even when I woke up. My worst day where I felt I died a little inside. Soon enough, my heart stop mending and I'm left with a permanent damage.


2012, I became all tourist-y and had a duck tour. I did midnight cycling. I was hoping at some point I could sense your presence. I didn't of course.

I miss you.

Dreaming away

Sometimes I wonder, would I ever be like one of those fairytales- dressed in white and a veil at the edge of my head, a bouquet of flowers in hand.

Would I have my chance to return to a cosy place filled with beautiful noises, the clattering sounds of pots and kettles, the sweet warm smell of food awaits?

Would I have my chance to go through that?

Or would I be waiting and hoping for one day, it would all magically happened with ease, but it never did happened...?


Well at least dreams are cheap... I can dream...