Another Love

Dad

Sometimes I miss my Dad so much, it knocks the wind out of me and make me cry for no apparent reason and in midst of doing something. 

I'm beginning to miss seeing the Vespa around home and hear the sound. I miss my time with him on Sunday. I simply miss him. 2 months. How fast time flies. 

Learning as I stumble

I'm beginning to love my runs with the RunningHour group. There are two groups: the visually challenged & the intellectually challenged. So the volunteers who are in this group acts as motivators to them- to encourage and strive for excellence, beyond what anybody thought they are capable of. 

It's truly a fun experience to be with them, thrilling too. I'm beginning to feel a sense of excitement every Friday night, coz I know I will wake up early on Saturday morning and have something meaningful to do. It's beginning to make my Friday night party with whoever less fun and suddenly, waking up Saturday morning more thrilling. 

On my recent run, I gained something new. I had a breakfast with the visually challenged group- whom I frankly feel more safe with. Maybe because they are older than the intellectually challenged who are mostly teenagers. I never really know how to fit in with the younger crowd for the longest time, until my niece was born. 

Anyways, I was there sitting with this married couple, both blind. They had 1 son, perfectly normal and intelligent. As I sat there across them, I heard how they talked about their son with affection, laughing and occasionally breaking into a smile at the thought of him. The joy of being a parent is obviously not robbed away from them by fate. 

And I sat there, envying. How on earth do they even grow old together, have a child in their condition? There are people with perfect body condition and yet, are incapable of taking care of their child. I questioned their love, teasing them. But the husband answer blew me away.. "When she can't find her items, I can. When I don't, she can" - in a gist, he wanted to tell me how they complement each other. How they work together and grow together. I heard their affection for each other. It was more than just love. It was just something more than that. 

He didn't say about-"oh I love how she looks, how she smells" or blah blah.. But how they complement each other. 

I had always believe in love. I'm a firm believer in love. That you fall in love first and then, you work things out and grow old together. But what her husband told me is a whole lot opposite. They didn't have the chance to "fall in love at the first sight" or fantasy like that. They work and grow together and found a ground where they realize how they needed each other, how it was safer to be together than apart. 

How can you not be moved by that? I found my meaning of life. Now, I need to start working it out bit by bit, by myself. Slowly but surely, I will find myself that I've lost. 

How do you love?

Love. An amazing word. More to it, the feeling of liberation and tender care. What could be more powerful that is non-binding to money?

Oh and the recklessness and speed we all fall. How Love is so good and yet so painful.. 

I miss you today in my thoughts. 

After all the love I've poured in, I don't know if I can ever love another as much and as furious as I had for you. 

I think it took months for me to realise so many things.. Or rather, to feel the situations. Maybe even more months, to make sense out of all this. 

But I would be lying if I say I never thought of you. 

Running Up That Hill

"So much hate for the ones we love"

The little plastic bag

So I was going to fill in an application form when I realised I needed my passport photo. I went to my cupboard where I thought I had kept them, and panic when I realised it was no longer there. 

I frantically start searching for that photo. That little plastic bag that has the photo. 

And in the midst of finding the photo, I had to start rummaging my cupboard which I have been avoiding. To go and look through and touch what was there. I felt like I needed that plastic bag at that moment because it had so many photos to be exact. I grew sadder and sadder looking through my cupboard that I wish, I never started on the quest.  

It felt like what I'm still doing. Frantically finding myself and has no idea where am I going still. It's like I have lost my life compass and now, I don't know where to begin searching. So I'm searching in every single place where I could put myself through. Messy as my thoughts.

Airport

You know what comes with the feeling of flying alone? Sadness.

That although I'm flying for a short period of time.. I'm sad. Not because I don't want to leave, but because I couldn't share my joy with someone that I loved. 

So I stare at the flying planes.. Wondering, how my life would be from now on..

Eleven Minutes

"If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realised that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in notion, not his physical body."- Paulo Coelho

I was thinking about how blissful it was and how terrible it ended. How can the love that taught me to straighten my life, succeed in school and sports, abandon bad companions.. Is the same one driving me to paranoia, back to who I was? How strange is that?

But haven't we try to cage each other, in attempt to be more "serious"? And yet, look at us. We lost what we had. 

I've tried long before you. Console myself that perhaps all relationship will turn out like this. Convince myself I should always put in more effort. Attempt to forget bad vibes, that what we had was strong, loving and could conquer it all. Always blaming myself even for your faults, that whatever you've done its because I wasn't attentive enough. Trying my very best to put you first before everything, although you always say otherwise. 

I've cried enough. Let me find my ground. I've lay there for sometime without realising how depressed I've been. 

So fly. Fly and be the ambitious one. One that has grandeur plans with his life. Do what you have always wanted to do. 

And do it for yourself. 

Sparkle

"Sometimes I feel like I just passed you by
And left you standing in your pain
But you were the one with the magic
You were the one with the sparkle
And you had it all

I know it's never gonna be the way it was
How can it?
Feelings change and people can get lost
But I still think of you so much
Do you remember how it was?"


How far would you go to find yourself?
In another person's comfort? In another country? In your own little shell?

How would you reestablish yourself? Know what your life is worth and what is it for?

Coz you just do

One day, I hope for you...

You will meet a woman who drives you crazy and yet, bring so much joy for you. One that you will realise you will do anything for. One that will make you yearn for her like you never had. One that makes you cry for loving her too much.

One day... I hope you meet that woman. One that is worth your time and stop it. One that just stop your world from spinning. That time, space, money, everything cannot be any boundary to you both.

And I wish you love.

Heartaches

My heart aches. Obviously, you still and probably will know me best. To have a conversation I had missed. Yes, I miss us- of what we were and could have been. Presently, I'm just trying to breathe.

I walked away, tearing. My walls and walls of defence. My continuous attempt to search for myself. Breathing is a conscious act. Over thinking is probably what I'm doing. But how do you explain your lil conscious acts to stay straight and not crumble and not to tell everyone that you've lost yourself and you don't know where it went?

Sounds crazy to me too.

Running wild

Just when I thought I have found a reason to smile, it disappeared. Totally disappeared as if it never happened, leaving me confused. And then, I'm back to square one.

Wasn't this what I've been chasing for?
A clean slate?

I found a new friend. His name is Doubt. Doubt is my constant reminder of things. If its right or wrong, Doubt does his job too well. I would be thinking- that's the amazing thing to do! Doubt would come in- This is what you left everything you've known for?

For all I care, Doubt has been winning for some time now.

I've been "reflecting", "thinking" or whatever you called. And then I got afraid. What is the meaning of leading a life like this? What is the meaning to do things without a purpose and plans? What is the meaning of enjoyment?

Being alone forces you to face yourself. Forces you to face things you never wanted to. Seeing things in different perspective. What a torture it is. And yet, the bliss in being alone reminds you things that you have not appreciate all this while. The world seems bigger, prettier and every single gesture is now taken with more gratitude than before.

Haven't we all taken this world for granted?

Granted that our life will run its course. Granted that things will always be the same. Granted that the trust and love of somebody will always be there. Granted that our friends would always be there for us. We have all taken things for granted and blindly too.

My friend said: you're thinking too much. Kick back and relax.

So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Kick back and relax.

Positive

I never thought the day would come.. that I would learn to laugh again.

Little Lion Man

I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?

Mirror

After all the tears I've shed.. I lie awake in my bed, thinking.

What do I want now?
Do I want to relieve it all again?
Do I want us to start afresh?

I have to stay firm this time. I cannot go on a meltdown every few months. I cannot go crazy after every fight. What we had was beautiful. What we will have, God knows.

I stand grounded that I don't want a marriage. What's the point then getting back together? What's the point then being together at all? I stand grounded I will or maybe never be ready for marriage.

I may regret this one day. But, why should I lie anymore? I'm tired of lying, to myself.

Fate

As fate has it, our path crossed.

"Hey, did you saw him?"
"Where?"

I turned around, immediately. Only to see you walk away, quickly out of my side.
And I stand there at the road, hoping that God give me a sign. I hoped that you turned.

But you didn't. And you were getting out of my side very quickly. I saw you push that door open and walked in, I saw the door closed.. I saw you disappeared from sight.

That's when I realised.. It will never be the same again, no matter how hard we try.

So I looked down, walked away, crying along the way. When I said I love you the most, I never lie. I did and perhaps, always will. But that's all it will ever be.

Trying

"Respectfully, soberly and intelligently, we would discuss "trying again," always with some sane new plan for minimizing our apparent incompatibilities. We were so committed to solving this thing. Because how could two people who were so in love not end up happily ever after? It had to work. Didn't it? Reunited with fresh hopes, we'd share a few deliriously happy days together. Or sometimes even weeks. But eventually David would retreat from me once more and I would cling to him (or I would cling to him and he would retreat- we never could figure how it got triggered) and I'd end up destroyed all over again. And he'd end up gone."

Soulmates

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

- Eat, Pray, Love.


Maybe that's what you are.
My soulmate.

Sorry

I'm sorry. I may regret all this one day.

But for now, I look in the mirror. I see a terrible mess. I see a girl who is turning as a fine woman and who cannot cope with her relationship and her life.
I see a girl crying herself to sleep- how can she be so lonely when she had all the bliss in the world?
I see a girl wondering if tomorrow will be the same and it will be the same draining feeling all over again.
I see a girl smiling and saying its ok because that's what everyone around her wants to hear.

"How can you fix your relationship when you are in a mess?"

That's my awakening. And now, I'm leaving things to fate. I need to fix myself and then I can move on with my life. Otherwise, how can I be happy?
Or do you want me to stay so you can be happy?

I may be lonely one day, crying again, wondering why I did all this. But I know I need it. I need this now.

Stubborn Love

It has been like thousand of years since I last posted anything. Often, when I post something, I note it has been bleak.Maybe because I have no idea how to say the bleakest side of me out loud. Not many people want to hear your rantings or negativity or your doubts or insecurity.

And perhaps, this is why I have this blog. A point to rant everything. A point to miss Precious. I miss Precious. All the possibilities dashed. All possibilities are just dreams, but one day.. I may be able to realise it.

But lately, I have been feeling drained. Is it work? Is it family? Is it me? Is it my love life?And I realised I have no idea.

But analyzing it with a friend deeply makes me question.
I love my work. I truly love my work. It gives me much happiness to be there. I see progression ahead.
My family has been wonderful to me. In fact, better than my teenager years where I barely understood what my parents wanted.Truly didn't understand my mom and her concerns which at that point of time, I find it annoying or backwards.How about the love life then? I realised I'm beginning to be afraid. again.

I truly thought by getting married, I can get my emotional issues and paranoia straightened out. But how sure am I?As we sat in silence, I wonder how will we live together without friends to bond us. I wonder if we would ever stop bickering over minor stuff. I'm wondering if we have slowly, bit by bit, beginning to be set on journey of separate path that we both don't want to face but impending. Are we lying to ourselves? Are we holding on to the amount of time we have spent to comfort? How much are we still loving each other? Are we in love? For when he asked me whether the skirt I wore was new, I wondered, what else have we not noticed about each other? How long has it been that I sit down and stare and laugh at the simplicity of life? With expectations running high, with slipping of hurtful words, my heart aches.

So what do I want? I don't know. I want to know what are we fighting for. I want to know if this fight is what we truly want.

Maybe I can't truly forgive and I have been lying to myself and maybe I still felt betrayed. But I'm pushed by friends to work this relationship quickly and forget it without much time to heal the bruise. My mom cried and told me how much she loved him and told me if your relationship ends, it's your fault for not taking care of your man. I believed that. I believed that it was my fault afterall. Now I know, that's my mistake. I should have taken more time. I should have let things subside.

But I wanted the constant and normality returned because I'm so scared of perhaps losing the only person who knew me inside out. That's my insecurity. That's my hammock. That was and still is the only thing I know. But now, I'm beginning to fear that this is the same reason that drains me out. I'm seeing cracks between us. It's almost like we are on a boat together but we are missing some wooden planks, we are still afloat but we are just lying to ourselves that we would never sink. Because we would and it's coming. And I'm sad because I feel like it's my fault. I have no idea why but it must have been my fault, especially because people looked in and said I don't seem to put enough effort in the relationship. But I tried and I'm still trying but why does it seems to not always be enough?

I have never intend to find myself another man or anything. Knowing that this feelings I'm having is not because of a third party is even more confusing to me. Someone told me, maybe I should meet another man. Maybe then I would truly appreciate him better. Maybe I would then realise the sweetness in my relationship could never be replaced. If it's fated, we would always be together. That is even more confusing than the first. Am I being a brat and not contented with what I have? Do I really need to go out so to appreciate him? What does that ridiculous lines mean?

I am sorry if I am not as perfect as I wish to be. I am sorry for all the things I have done wrong to us.

For I have loved you so much but I am so tired and drained.

Quotes:

David: "What if we just acknowledged that we have a bad relationship, and we stuck it out, anyway? What if we admitted that we make each other nuts, we fight constantly and hardly ever have sex, but we can't live without each other, so we deal with it? And then we could spend our lives together -- in misery, but happy to not be apart"

Elizabeth: "Remember when you said we should live with each other and be unhappy so we could be happy? Consider it a testimony to how much I love you that I spent so long pouring myself into that offer, trying to make it work. But a friend took me to the most amazing place the other day its called, The Augustium. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the Barbarians came they trashed it along with everything else. The Great Augustus Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, one day would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over centuries. Feels like a precious wound, Like a heartbreak you won't let go of cause it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same David. Settle for living in misery because were afraid of change. Of things crumbling to ruins. then i looked around in this place at the chaos its endured. The way its been adapted, burned, pillaged, and found a way to build itself back up again...and i was reassured. Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, It's just the world that is. And the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. Even in this eternal city. The Augustium showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation.
Both of us deserve better than staying together because we're afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't."

Wandering mind

I've been told and I read somewhere that wandering minds are dangerous. It places doubt and curiosity that could be more costly than benefiting.

But you can't help it... When your brain wanders and make you doubt if everything you're doing is just too hard?

Did he supposedly had the opportunity to meet someone and then decided that I was the not-so-perfect-but-maybe-better one? Did that risk he took to know someone else was worthwhile? I don't know.. Maybe I wonder if I should have a similar experience? Not that I'm looking for it. But maybe it will mature me? I don't know exactly what I want to begin with? Is it by being on par or is it to experience what he had?

Does that make me.. Revengeful? Or merely curious?

Can I really live not knowing any details at all?

Truthfully, why it crept in my head, I don't know. Why it stayed there, i don't know. But are we both trying too hard to prove something?

Maybe the books I'm reading is not good. It dwells and border towards fairy tales and never ending love. But those don't exist. So why do I continue to harbor hopes?