Senseless

You know, I figured it out.

I like to think. Period.

In fact, I feel stupid not knowing what's going on in the daily news section about my own country and the world. I don't know why but I'm definitely attracted to read than watch.

Someone mentioned about the cowardice of current generation, hiding behind the screens- not talking face to face especially during strained relationships. You know, time change... Now, hiding behind the screens not only could get more truth than you ever thought of but also, able to "move" people. I mean, check Julian Assange out. He was a hacker to even begin with.

Bear with me through this one.. I have excessive multiple thoughts and I can't seem to link it in a proper manner. It's disconnected topics which somehow manage to capture my interest.

Aside from this, my work term is coming to an end... In the end, I think I find that I kinda like the place. People are great, bosses are ok, food is cheap, transportation is a breeze... I have no qualms with everything but my workscope. It's just not what I fancy. I realised it takes a hell load of effort and time to get used to staring to computer all day and working with my multiple excel shits at one go. I'm lucky I got the cool department as well. Just hoping that when I graduate...... I won't be doing something similar to this... I want more interaction with people. No, not on the basis I like to talk but having served in retail for sometime and I enjoy retail so muchhhh, asking me to sit all day makes me extremely restless. It's a routine when you're in the office, just different figures... I prolly need some good working recommendations to work in front office or middle office. I've seen back end quite sufficiently.

So definitely going to miss work. BUT I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO LOOK FORWARD FOR :)

New year is coming.. Next week to be exact.
and as usual, I don't have a resolution. I will think of something on the spot when someone ask me.

Where will you be celebrating New Year this time round?

Thin line

In life, you're bound to do things that represent a thin line. For example, there's a thin line between sarcasm and rudeness. Or perhaps, something softer, persevere and waiting.

In life, you have to constantly change and adapt to the situation. Sometimes, things don't go your way or as what you want it to be. Then try something else. You will never know till you try. Change and adapt.

And in life I learn, the world don't wait for you. You age. That's what people forget. When you miss an opportunity or choose to ignore, you may just not see it again.

Frustrated

Sometimes, it just gets to the point whereby you forget what was it really you're angry of.

I don't know but I'm definitely not liking this.

EXCITED THAN EVER

HOLIDAY. TRIPPING. GAY.
SUN.OUT.DELIRIOUS.


D-E-L-I-R-I-O-U-S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Down, June June June!

Death & Penalty

I was just wondering... Are death penalty really needed?

It started with a 'debate' or rather, discussion with few friends over lunch bout the recent slashing case, esp the first incident at Downtown East. Well, it did seem to bring 'rise' to other new cases of slashers. Even girls suddenly bringing parang around in their handbag. Unnecessary trouble.

So they found the 9th person involved. If convicted, all of them will face death penalty. Such a waste of youth since all these boys are really young. I have loads of what ifs.. But what I believe is, until you knew someone personally who took the wrong path, you will never understand why they deserve a second chance to breathe. I was just looking at this view, it would be 9 people being sentenced to death to justify murder of 1 person. Is that really justice, or rather necessary? Based on their age, most of them prolly found themselves first time being in the hot soup. So many reasons could build up to the unfortunate event.

Contrary to what my friends thought, I'm not siding the mislead youth. They are wrong, indeed. But I'm wondering if there is other punishment rather than death penalty. People do get better,change into a new leave. Of course, we will never know if they will change. But it's a chance. How bout life imprisonment or really long term?

My friends questioned me: What if they don't change? Would you allow your daughter to marry this type of people? What if they abuse your daughter? Who will fund this 'life imprisonment' issue - tax burden?

We will never know.... But it's a chance I'm willing to take that perhaps, at least half of that slashers, realised their mistake. That they are sitting on a thin line, determined by the swing of judge's gavel, whether they will live and get to start new beginning or informed how long more they will see the sunshine and breathe the same air as we did.

And I agree, ocassionally we all need some aggression to reinforce power into the system. With a serious penalty to these bunch of youths, it could be a deterrence to future slashing incidents. But can you promise that? Afterall, we have one of tightest control on smuggled goods and yet, drugs and contrabands still found their way in. Also, knifes are very easy to get hold of.


I reiterate, I did not say they are right nor am I including any racial remarks.
All I'm saying, sometimes second chance is all we need.

double standard

Are you hiding something from me?

or rather,

is there something I should know?


I feel invaded. I feel there is some kind of double standard going on.

Love or not

Love or not.

What is love?
A non-recognition, unbiased and unappreciated.

How can one love another, unconditionally?

Sometimes, I don't get it..
Sometimes.. I think I get it.

When my mom behaves in such annoying manner, I don't know myself at that moment.
Hot-tempered, screamer, no filial piety.
How is it to love another despite all their pretence?
I don't know if I could be a lover like my dad.

I hope I could. or at least found a man that would love no matter what...



I'm sappy like that.

Timebomb

My emotions are like a ticking timebomb. Activated.

Problems around me is starting all over again. I just wish peace. Not awkward silence.

You never understand our view. Never part of us. Never cared.
Attention seeking.
And dragging you to the door literally, shouting to your face to leave the house.
Pleading not to go. Door slammed at your face.
How that feels?

Nobody messes with our daddy. Not even if you're his wife.
We don't care.

Trouble maker, that's what you are.
I can't wait for everything to be over, get over it.


Things rolling. rolling by, I stoned. Nothing changed. You won't change, same ol' stubborn.


I caught myself excessively checking out countries around the world.
New York, Greece, Maldives, Britain, Australia etc.
I read the social, economic and politics.
Some places are much better to live and work in.
Some places offering better travelling spaces.



1 year in Melbourne alone is going to be possible. For now, its a wishful thinking but I hope for it one day.




God, banged my thigh against a sharp metal bar leaves me with a bruise. Fucking pain or what.
Bruises. I spotted similar bruises again. I don't like this one bit.

Staring

There is something bout the rain that always make people thoughtful.

I've been thinking and I guess I've been selfish. Chained, that's what you've become.



"Kiss the boys as they walk by, call me their baby.
But little do they know, I'm just a maybe.
Maybe my baby will be the one to leave me sore.
Maybe my baby will settle the score."

Oh our fear and hates... What shakes your ground?


"I never thought I could love anyone else but myself..."






I've been sleeping with gloves on. It's extremely ridiculous. But every morning, when I see my hands, my arms, it looks so damn good. No blood stains. No marks. I feel so much better already. Although of course my happiness is shortlived by a woman I sometimes think I was forced to call Mom.

Annoyed

The last time I recalled...

I never went on a holiday trip with a guy unless one acting as a tour guide.

I never 'encourage' a statement of 'possible' travelling together publicly.

I never aggravates the angst of someone you prefer not to befriend with by tagging in youtube post.

I never met the people who I 'flung' myself to.


oh of course this is just me.

let's blame it to the impending period. or maybe, easier.. just blame me.



Does the taste of sarcasm hurts?
oh of course, im being paranoid over nothing.

of course, nothing to worry about.

what was it? just a statement?

so is this. this is just a statement. of course it is.

what was I again? oh! immediately part of it.
Didn't recall the time you try to amend rather than asking again and again the same question.


cant figure it out right? dont bother. i told you it's me.

Marriage

The 2nd post:
Marriage.

The purpose of marriage.

What is marriage to you? Is marriage a process of continuing the act of love with a huge display of affection in front of everyone by a ring? or a tradition?

Let me bring you deeper into my thoughts.

Marriage is something I do not take lightly. I take pride in my parents, despite their bickering and utter annoyance towards each other, they continue to yearn for each other's comfort. They continue to kiss every morning at the front gate. My dad role is the man who brings the main income - note, i said main income, not bigger income. My mom is the woman who forces her children to school, ensure enough money gets by without us starving outside and inside the small house they bought together for the last 25 years, with no debt for the last 20 years. Because my parents are also not financially savvy, everything in this house was paid cash, upfront, always in full amount. Never on credit or installment.

Marriage is something I do not take lightly. I do not want to go into the position where my children couldn't get proper attention, necessity or food. I do not want my husband to be in debt. I do not want my husband to seek others help, seeking money for a wedding or buy my baby's milk. I want self reliance.

Marriage can be fun, self fulfilling, enjoying and a time of reflecting. But the problem with the society, marriage is just thought of that and nothing beyond.

So you may think I need a man who is rich enough to support me and bring away all these debts. The thing is I have never grown into a family full of money, maybe now, my parents can say they are finally stable. That's 28 years of marriage. No... my point is. All those achievements were from scratch. From their own sweat. From this thing called hardwork. Every single dollar was saved or spent on food, our education and the house bills. Any man can work... but can he protect his family and do his best in all capacity of his income, like my father? The one who worked in a place he barely liked but he continues because it feeds the family. Would you do that? To work for 30 years at the same bloody place you hate just so you dont get retrenched or kicked out or unemployed so your family can live?

Marriage is something I do not take lightly. So I hate it everytime the subject crop up in my face, when am I getting married? What's the point of marriage? Why do you want to get married?

If people are happy that way, they are good enough. No marriage is going to say you would be happier when you signed that piece of paper saying "Husband&wife". Whatever rocks your boat.

And on my boat. I dont believe marriage is going to make me happier than I already am. Maybe later in years I see the point of settling down, but for now.. please. do not ask me that question again.

Simplicity

The start of the chasing for ambitions. The start of a new chapter in life. The new beginning.

We grow up. Changing. Not changing.
Somethings won't change.

For all the times, the ups and downs... The assurance over the years would never be enough.
But the reason that held me down was the simplicity in life I could never comprehend by myself.

Somethings are meant to be difficult. In your search for self-fulfilment. In your search for certainty. In your search of self.

And somethings are not meant to be diffcult at all. Simplicity is falling in love with the man who spent less than 2 minutes doing a heart origami from a 55cents bus receipts.

For if we both know that the future is uncertain, why not make the best out of it now? Isn't that what you taught me? For if we could remove expectations on each other, it would remain simpler?

Somethings don't change. Somethings change.





Don't start searching for the warning signs. Don't start looking for excuses.
Don't beat about the bush with harsh sarcasm. And yet, be tolerant and sensitive.


If you miss me, just tell me so..
But don't start looking for the warning signs.

Loca

To be ambitious need some Loca in you. Some crazyness..

and so, if you recall, we planned to go Greece by age of 21. Too bad. Athens have to wait.

But baby,

June, my grad trip. I'm pleading my SEA trip of vietnam, cambodia and laos!! if not, Phuket. :)

But 2011, I want to see Vietnam. I don't care.

and Breast.

WE ARE DEFINITELY GOING NEW YORK CITY ONE DAYYYYYY!!!
possible oneeee...... :):)


trip checklist in my life:
Vietnam/Cambodia
NYC
Greece/Greek Islands
London
Maldives
South Africa


I should start learning how to swim. Takers?

Escape me

Unfortunately, exam periods make me listen to songs I usually dont...





There are so many questions lying in my head.. nights and nights after we last spoke.

I'm wondering if we had indeed grew apart..
I'm wondering if you still need me in your life...
I'm questioning our existence...

Thousands of unanswered questions as I stare at the darken screen hp.

I know jolly well this is not the time to think of all this but.... it's been knocking me. persistently growing like a lil worm into a butterfly in my head.


and yes, I miss hearing that voice. It hurts a lil...but I'm ok.

I'm going to be ok.

Partially excited

I'm partially excited!

two down.... two more to go! and the bed, ohhh the bed... How i miss the bed..

IT'S GOING TO BE MINE!

I can't wait for monday to come.

Do or die, who cares? Judgement day is here.

And I'm doing well. Thank god for that.
I'm pulling through very well. *phew.

Hope my luck remains!
I need all the luck and positive energy or whatever it's called to pull through Monday. My worse nightmare. Breathe.

Lately, I forgot the art of breathing. I'm going to kill myself this way.

Runaway

Maybe you're right..

I've been neglecting us. I've been away. I've disappeared. I've done everything that makes us upset.

But all I asked was time. understanding. strength.

Time.
My crazy time of my life is here.. For several years, from schools to another school, it's always the same with me. My exams take the centre stage of my life..

Understanding.
With exams taking so much time. My preparations for it. How physically and brain drained I always feel after a whole day spent studying. How I just wanna sit, have dinner, small lil chats and cuddle to remind me that I have something to look forward after the hell week is over.

Strength.
I dont have the strength to pull through without you. I need someone to be there, kiss my forehead and remind me that it's ok to fail. To remind me that I am not letting anyone down.


It's been tough for me, as it is for you. But I appreciate it all that you did. How you would meet even for a short while to have dinner with me. To meet me eventhough you're hanging out with your friends. To try cheering me up. And even, travelling down to just pass me a chinese tea and panadol. I thank you for all that...
For your presence, for being there.

I'm sorry I can't meet all those expectations anymore. Maybe, indeed, I've retract.. I've been boring, I've not been random, I always say the wrong things, I always upset you. I'm sorry I don't make you happy anymore. But first, I just want to say if you think there is another in my life, none. No one. Blame it all on me. Blame it all on school. Blame it on me trying to vie for the top levels.

But let's do so... like what you suggested.

So, if you miss me and you think my presence would makes a difference even for a short while, then call me. For I miss you, the one who text me in the morning. the one who calls me in the night and asked how my day went. the one who holds my hand when we crossed the road. the one who hugs me when we parted. the one who kissed my forehead and genuinely smile seeing me.

For I assure you it was never what I wanted but if you think it's the best, then let's do it. I will be waiting.

Caffein

I'm sorry if I disappoint you..

:(

It's going to be here soon. 1 week exactly. I'm worried.

Really worried.

This is not going well. Not good at all.

Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR BIG!!!

My beloved Mr. Big recently celebrated his birthday. I surprised him at mOOn Hotel with scented candles. Ouh, what a beautiful sight it was a I blindfold this boy with a shawl.

He kept crying out loud, for heaven sakes! "HEEELLLLPPPPPP MMMEEEE"

EMBARRASSSEEEDDDD.

I mean, we even passed by a police man with this wailing boy -"HHEEELLLPPP". Goddamit!

Soon after, we had a drink or two and headed down what almost became a good surprise until a retard SMS-ed him! My plan was to bring him to Night Safari and his friend just had to burst the bubble by asking him what time we were ending when he obviously could text me!!!

It was the halloween night. I hated it! I was actually scared la! Esp by this bloody clown. God. I hate clowns! And know what, that clown chased people. Scary or what?! AND I HATE THE MANSION!! I WAS SCREAMING LIKE A LIL GIRL COMING CLOSE TO THE END. I HATE ITTTT!!! Mr Big was laughing at all my squeals! It's not even funny when half the time you're trying to dodge the "ghosts".

We ended the night with supper at an Indian 24-hour restaurant. Pretty tummy-fying! Love.

And so, we ended there and there.

I wished I had planned a lil bit more and try to really secure all his friends. I still feel I did a major letdown for that. But, I didn't and so, none of his friends eventually popped their nose. Although he assured me it was alright, I'm pretty sure it's not. Haiz.

But I reallyyyy hope he will take good care of that fragile Original Ray Ban Aviator. It will see through a hell load more of high and low years together with him, without needing me around. :)



SIDETRACK:
Seeing how his friend planned for school events gave me a whole new boost. I'm sorry but I'm very fickle on what kind of entreprenuership I would like to do. From doing merchandising to designing to almost everything actually, even property. Of course, I would still do property one day. I love property market and Forex. :)

But yes, I'm definitely impressed. I told Mr Big about my idea of instructor for sports.. We could figure it out. AND I REALLY THINK IT CAN WORK. Problem 1: We might need a lil bit more capital to have the very first few equipments. Problem 2: oh! if it ever worked, other problems would come and we think of that another day.

For now, I'm contented with that idea. If we could, or I could, get sometime in Finance Industry. Earn my big buck for several years and start doing what I really love...
Mr Big, we could somehow make this idea work. =)

THINKING

LATELY, I've been thinking A LOT.

From topics like exams.. to social life like Project Hakani.. to political like the recent passing of an important lady and the death of a sweet love.

It's endless. I haven't got the time to get talking bout the subject and voice my opinion. soon, check this space.

For now, I'm in a search for a solid ground. Looking my upcoming bleak months.. even days actually, makes me feel utterly depressed. Yes, I've figured everyone goes through their broke moments but really, don't you think it's how one is exposed to it and manage it that makes a difference?

To begin with, ever since I was 16, I was doing some sort of odd jobs to tide the months.. just so i could pay my handphone bills. how pathetic. to work just to pay my bills. so yes, I'm not used to idling with no real plans of what to do with the free time and the inevitably, being broke of course. The thought of idling already makes me nervous.

And exams together with possible period soon, makes me utterly anxious. I think I'm going to have a breakdown soon. I need someone to be strong for me. Just be strong. I need someone to hold on to while I ride this uncertain waves.

Swweeetness

Sweetness.

Universal Studio was bunch of fun if it didn't rain! and Liyana and Fazleen! you girls should be somewhat proud of me! I didnt get my panic attacks!! woohhooo!

Thank you Mr Big for being there for me =) I enjoyed all those lil kisses after every ride. Hah.
I'm a pussycat in boots! :P

Recently, we watched I Love You, Philip Morris! It was hilarious and guess what! you get to catch Jim Carrey kissing Ewan Mcgregor!! for real! Mr BIG, you're a homophobic! I dont care!!! hahahah! you're bound to offend some gays man...


Anyway, a friend texted me how he saw Mr Big and me in the theaters. He was few seats behind. and.. he didnt called us out even after the movies because he was with his girlfriend. wait a min, aren't I too? I mean it wasn't as if I was alone or hanging out with other boys. I was with my boyfriend and I can somewhat still portray some threats? I dont get it. and I was pretty upset... But I get this all the time, so Im suppose to be ok, right.. right? no? i dont know really.

It's just strange coming from a girl who cried and called me when she was in Germany and asked how her boyfriend is. and I thought we were cool with each other. But no. guess not, considering the amount of times she deleted my number of his phone.

RACEQUEEN

Alright.. So I helped out during the F1 event in Spore.

It was hell. Tiring.
I was the butler, offering VVIPs drinks and morreee drinks. I swear F&B line is really not meant for me. I don't mind the pace of the job but it's just that.. I don't fancy what I had to do. That's it. It was pure hard labour. Thank god for the moolahs.. if not, I would never accept it.

But the verdicts are..

I got hugged by Edison Chen! swee bo? He was asking for directions and because the background was extremely noisy, he talked to me damn cllosee.... swee la!

There were several drunkards who were really making a big mess on the carpet and on me. Spilling those drinks everywhere, forcing me to get them more drinks. I guess that's the experience I would never get to see anywhere else.

Of course there were a few darlings who remembered me and by the 3rd day of the event, started finding me by name and wanting me only to serve them drinks. Like as if it would make any difference to our pay. But yes, I was definitely really touched. One lady even insisted I took a photo with her. Hah! Several others said I was the best waitress for the night. HAPPY!

Minus all the fancy sparkling events.. it all sizzles when I logged on to FB.

I saw photos of people went house visiting with friends and family. Aunts taking all posing photos, uncles having some form of deep talk, friends smiling cheesily at the camera. I missed out all those smiles while working.. I wish.. I really did wish I could be around you people. I'm sorry I prioritise money first.

I really do hope we get to see each other soon....

Meanwhile, something to make me cheer up. THIS THURSDAY!! A TRIP DOWN TO SENTOSA. =)





TO MR BIG:
All those glitz and glamour, makes me wanna work harder. We shall drink champagne, eat mini bites and get loads of invitations to all sort of events! I miss ya.

Rabbit Hole

In the midst of being thankful surrounded by the best mates,

I couldn't help but to reflect that for those who are in a relationship, we are somewhat binded by our partner's perception and outlook.

Despite how we reiterate we are an individual and having someone to love would not change how we work, breathe, live and eat.. I'm sure those of you in a relationship have somewhat realised that you begin to do certain things you normally would not do, or doing something beyond your comprehension.. or even, subconciously changing your appearance.

Well, it started with a passing remark by a friend- "Babe, this is unlike you. Why are you keeping long hair?" staring hard, burning deep into my eyes. "Is he happy?"

FYI, Mr Big never implicitly said he wanted me to keep long hair. It's a subconcious attempt to please your partner that you start to begin move away from what you would think it's "ok". And you hope, your changes, no matter how small, would do big in your partner's heart.

How some friends started to distance away from me because their partner's refused to allow them being friends with me. How big a threat I am, I never would know. But I guess big enough to still create a tremor when my name is seen being saved on their partner's phone. They may never realised it but these are the same people who laughed at others being controlled by their partners. Subconciously or conciously, to please their partner, they would severed ties with their friends.

I'm just saying this because I never knew myself that I would be in this situation. No matter how small the actions are.... we change.

We are forever changing. I hope the changes do good to them. I always believe a relationship is one that is not only about love but one full of enriching flow of energy that benefits both parties. There is no point being with someone that doesn't give you satisfaction in life.

So if you do change, I hope you change because you like it and it do good for you. Not to please and shut your partner off.

Books!

I finally bought George Orwell- 1984!

Yes yes, I know. It's been around for so long. I've been lusting for it since JC but I knew no one who owns the book. Well, I did eventually knew one who owns. But he insisted I might not understand the book, in which this pisses me off. So nein, I didnt asked from him ever again. Im so glad I finally own the book.

I was hanging at Borders for 2 hours, pretty much lost track of the time. I was browsing the modern classics, all time favourites, autobiography.. I fell in love with all the books. Engaging, descriptive, almost visual. How I wished I could write with such meticulous detail and leaving a big mark on my readers. Oh and how I have such a soft spot for books that is of true story but written in narrative style? I almost wanted to buy this book about a girl who was sold by her mother, a mamasan, to be a callgirl. But with the limited amount of cash I had, I chose the best two instead: 1984 and Half The Sky.

Half The Sky by Nicholas Kristof & Sheryl Wudunn:
In short, it's about the state of women around the world. Being a fast reader I am, I actually managed to finish the first chapter and I knew I MUST get the book. How women are deprived from basic necessity in other places around the world.. Well, I must say I have to thank God that I never suffered such fate- Searching for income but ended brutally abused at a brothel or almost killed for speaking bringing 'shame' to the family. It's really difficult to read without feeling anything.

If you are interested in knowing more, do check WWW.HALFTHESKYMOVEMENT.ORG :)

Nineteen Eighty-four [1984] by George Orwell:
Written way back 40/50s, Orwell envisioned a world full of surpressed brought about by the government. A literary political fiction, it has been classified as both modern classic and all time favourites. It's scary to read.. How minds are controlled, suppressed lives and propaganda. There are too many themes for met to share, so I suggest Wiki it if you like this kind of stuff.

I love books. I can breathe, eat, sleep reading all the time. Hah. I swear, apart from asking a big walk-in wardrobe, I'm going to ask for a library...unless... Unless National Library willing to loan a room for me.


I think secretly I wanted to be in the Arts movement. Not drama but perhaps literature, painting etc. But I know I would never pursue it. I just fear I might hate it in the end. I hate to work under pressure for the things that I love. Certain things are meant to savour not rushed.

There are so many things in my head. But I dont seem to be able to write it all down. I dont know how to start. Hell, I dont even know what exactly it is Im thinking of.

Salam Lebaran to everyone. Hopefully, I can visit to some of you peeps houses soon. and of course, eat kueh raya. hah! =)

21st Birthday Party

I had a blasting 3 wonderful birthday parties with different group of loves :)

Photos have been uploaded on FB and here is my account of how I had celebrated my birthday.

[4th Sep, Saturday]

Javier had been pretty much keeping mum about certain stuff and speaking excessive mandarin around me days before that. He asked me out, supposedly alone. AND that is suspicious. He would more or less wont have the audacity to ask me out alone.. so something was definitely up his sleeve.

and I pretty much figure it all out when I woke up in the morning and received a SMS from a classmate wishing me Happy Birthday and to enjoy my day "later"..

But! I was pretty surprised and almost burst into tears when I saw the first card/ jigsaw puzzle. Jav's card was pretty heartwarming. I seriously have a soft spot on homemade stuff or letters. So yeah, I'm pretty traditional in that sense. I love letters, cards, anything that is self-made. :)

The following cards came quickly after that. I was extremely pleased and amazed by their work! Didn't expect them to do such things at all! They even stayed back in school to do the card. Damn!

We ate at Manhattan Fish Market, all 10 of us. They bought me a Guess wallet. I was already contented until... we jumped at the back of the car and headed to Marina Barrage. GREAT! KITE FLYING!! KITES KITES KITES! What a brilliant way to end my already perfect night!

I was extremely happy. I mean even the word happy is an understatement! I never expected a surprise from them!


[5th Sept, Sunday]

I had dinner with parents, siblings and the two lil notty monkeys and of course, my beloved aunt and uncle [cik Jo and Mak Ya]

Mak ya bought me 6 Cathay movie passes! That is prolly one of the coolest gifts ever!

And the night ended with the 3 sisters and bro rushing to Geylang to buy some Ramadhan dishes. Ayam goreng, takoyaki, kebab.. *drools.


[6th sept, Monday]

Happy birthday to me. :)

I actually went to school! Can you believe it? Mom wanted to leave because she wanted to clean the house and Mr Big is not ready until later in the day. So I lingered around school, all dressed up and endured being laughed by my 3 close buds for being extremely girlish. Bunch of idiotic boys.

So I met Mr Big at City Hall where he insist like a notty boy that I should be getting my Dr. Martens boots. The one I've been lusting for yearsss... The one that would complete my life! and I did! I got a soft black leather boots. So soft, i swear I could go sock-less! And so I thought, that's definitely the coolest gift I'm going to get. Well, damn wrong la!

We went for dinner and I was tricked to thinking that we would go Prickly Bush to have a dessert! I had a huge surprise when suddenly, all my friends are there. WHAT THE... I was bloody stunned and lost of words. I didn't saw that coming at all.

AND I didn't expect the excessive amount of lavish gifts that followed. Coach wristlet, cookies, Longchamp backpack, borders $50 value, flowers, Bose earphones, gecko diamond pendant/ lucky charm, one-off perfume, shawl, handmade cards, bodyshop set.. I had three bags full of gifts! How is that!? But I aint complaining. Hah!

I'm glad. I'm grateful. and even without all these lavish gifts, I would still be surprised and no less delighted to be in the company of such amazing friends.




Thank you to those who celebrated my birthday. It means a lot to me and truly, for every cake i blew the candles off, it wasn't anything about me that I wish for. I cant say what I wish because it wont happen but I think you get the idea, no? =)

God bless all of you-- my family and sweet friends.

Hari Raya is in a couple of minutes. To everyone, if I had offended you in any manner, I'm sorry. Enjoy the celebration while you peeps can. and to those who are working, I WANT ANG POW! Thank you!


Peace. Love. Celebration.

ENDLESS

Tests are endless. One after another.
Monies are depleting like water. SHEESH.

Torn between trying to find another job and screwed up all holiday opportunities OR simply fuck it up and move forward.

Ok Singapore police force has been in the news lately way too often, more than necessary. All these news of people being handcuffed, arrested for statements. Where is the line between being a good cop and bad cop? Where is the line that distinguishes protection of pride and oppressing voices? How bout focusing on more important issues in the country? Being more involved in public's welfare? What happen to the YOG food poisoning? Things could be handled much better.

You know how they say: You can never make everyone likes you. Well, exactly. Any more arrest based on another blogger's ideas or facebook status is definitely on the look out by the netizens. With the excessive reliance on internet in this current generation, you can't just kill one's voice anymore. It's bound to be circulated. So the force have to consider their movements and public reactions to prevent possible outlash again. Right now, the next decisions outlay for the 2 guys are being monitored by the netizens. I hope the decisions would be done in proper and is of the best choice.

I'm screwed

I'M DEAD!

SO MANY THINGS TO DO.
SO LITTLE TIME.

I'm getting tired. No, sleep is not helping.
I woke up being even more and more tired. Bluergh.

Moving too much when I sleep. I think I should buy some thing to keep my hand away from my disturbing my body when I sleep.

Ok. I need to get back to endless amount of work.
great.

Do You Know?

DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS LIKE?

To keep calling and trying to get hold of one for hours?
To stay awake till wee morning, worried?
Calling all close friends and siblings who could probably be with you?
To not know what exactly happened?

To only received a call but by accident?

To hear loud background music with your voice mixed with another tender voice? or a crying one?

Am I being too harsh? Unreasonable?

Childish revenge?

Somethings never change. Somethings never have to happen. Somethings are never needed to be tolerated.

How sweet was it to go and teach with red bloodshot eyes?
To be so angry and not knowing how to let it all out but surprising yourself by bursting into loud sobbing tears?

"I'm Sorry"

That was not enough.
I want an explanation which up to now I do not know.

Moron,
I never once had to let out all the vulgarities I've learned in my entire life thrown to you.
Congratulations.
And if I hated that fucked up Chinese girl you're with, you only have yourself to blame.

Somethings never should have happened.

Roller-coaster emotions

Planting an idea in your head, with or without your realisation, can have a very negative impact to your mind.

I would like to share some 3 terms that are always being as synonyms but actually... I believe have quite a number of significant differences.

Emotional Insecurity:
"is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless (whether in a rational or an irrational manner)."
I think it's important to note that emotional insecurity is brought about the fact he/she believes the current state of positive emotions are purely temporary and impending loss or sadness would come by in the future.

This doesn't mean that one is jealous or envious. Also not to be confused with humility.Neither of those stem emotional insecurity but rather, emotional insecurity could lead to jealousy and being envious.


Jealousy:
"typically involves three people.... describe jealousy as a reaction to feeling threatened"
I believe jealousy comes from this protective action. The fear of losing something one already has or owns.


Envy:
"typically involves two people.. the pain or frustration caused by another person having something that one does not have oneself"
I think the biggest difference with jealousy and envy is that jealousy is the fear of losing something he/she already has as compared to envy, does not owns the supposed valued thing but wishes to own it.


Clarity for these three terms, I guess, is probably brought by the fact that one always confuses these three..

On a serious note, I never knew I would have felt at least the slightest for any of these three. It annoys me. I couldn't sleep. I toss and turn. I stop. And the best part, it was only one line. Just one harmless annoying line. But it throws me and mind off balance.

But of course, I kept my cool. My silence. My mind brushing words of "normal", "unfair", "nothing"..

What an awful feeling. I told a mate to identify which three do I lie in, and she shrugged. "I think it's karma, babe. I think it's time you got struck by some feelings of fear." So, is it really karma? Maybe.. maybe..

So I took a step back and just kept on thinking. I hate dwelling but neither can I seem to let it go.

I suffered from some form of emotional insecurity when a boy I used to date donkey years ago said in front of his friend and directly in my face how ugly I was. Humiliated. Embarrassing. It became a torturous habit to hide my face ever since. I hated it when people stared at me. I get overtly self-conscious. That includes Mr Big. I been trying to get out from my shell but it has become a habit and I'm still learning to overcome it.

My insecurity also, I supposed, is worsen by my lack of body fluidity. Urm, I can't catch motion that fast. Ask me to choose between ice-skating and a history textbook, I probably would choose the latter. Yup, call me a nerd, I accept with arms wide open.

So where this is all leading to..? I think you get the gist of it. But I assure you, I don't fall in the jealous part. I guess I'm envious.. I wish I could be like someone, though I know I can never be. Intriguing.

Another line spurted out. Throwing my mind off. Did I lose myself somewhere along the way? Or is it just part of growing up? How I fear of falling and getting a bruise? How whiny I can be with insects bite? How I relentless complained about being tired because I had to walk quite a bit? Wait a min. I was never one that fear of cuts, pains, scars and whatever [heights are different issues].. What have I become?

I don't know.

But right now, I definitely do not enjoy this feeling one bit. And I only have myself to blame for.

Fasting month

NOW...

Tired. Jaded. Exhausted.

Schooling life sucks and yet, sickeningly entertaining.
and I hate it as much as I'm enjoying it.

Well, perhaps to be exact I hate tests/quizzes/exams blah blah.
But I guess I'm glad I have really awesome friends at school to cheer me, no matter how 'black' my face is everytime I'm in class..

Ooo and the fasting month arrives yet again.

I love the fasting month.
For me especially, it makes me feel like my quest in search of Him is getting closer and closer with each coming year. I admit I haven't been doing my part as a Muslim and I hope.. I hope I finally can find my true path.. This search is just important to me.. A sense of purpose in life to be finally answered and blessed. Till then, I'm still searching, understanding and trying to appreciate the beauty of it all.

To all Muslims out there,
Happy fasting.
Eat.Pray.Love.

Collection

AND SO I REALISED...

As my friends know... I have very much a deprived childhood..

I dont watch cartoons.
I never had a barbie dolls.
I dont sing nursery rhymes [well, till Hanis and Hendra at least]
I barely have any recollection of what I do when I was a kid...

But that is because I grew up exceptionally close to my family.
Some would prolly say- "Yeah, me too what?!"
But how many of you would actually remember the symbolism? or even care?
Because I didn't have much to do when I was a kid..
This is for sure what happens..

When one talks about Changi Airport, they think of travelling.
I would think of
- running around terminal 1. going there for dinner. watching the planes taking off.
- especially me, I would think of my Dad. Bringing me around on his vespa at the back of airport. Sitting in silence and watched the planes taking off all day.

When one talks about Geylang Serai, they think of people bustling everywhere.
I would think of
- the entire bunch of us taking bus 21 and drop of at Geylang to eat Komala's
- visit my grandmother.
- Hari Raya excitement to get baju raya with my sisters.

When one talks about beaches, they lamented how Melayu nowhere else but 'lepak' at the beach.
I would think of
- Us catching bus 19 early Sunday morning loaded with mom's cooking.
- Bathing together and tried to do some sand castle, often failed.. so we try to 'bury' each other in the sands.

When one talks about National Day Parade, they talk about how its always the same stuff.
I would think of
- Our family eating KFC at the stadium, catching the Parade together.
- Sitting in home and eat mom's cooking [or sis's last year]
- Laughing and criticising how some parts could have been better
- agreeing on singing the same ol' tunes together.

When one talks about family dinner, they say how food is all paid for by their parents.
I would think of
- the moments when the entire bunch of us dined together around the small kitchen table.
- Dad punishing me for not finishing my rice.
- Mom scolding me for burping.
- The sisters helping with cleaning of the kitchen and me trying to sneak away from helping.


Nowadays, we all barely have time for each other. We barely sit and dined together. In fact, we barely see each other.
To some, it's fine. They say its the growing up stage, everyone moves out etc. blah blah blah...

Whatever you say it.

There are certain things going through my head when I passed by or missed out something. Believe me, I can get extremely emotional about it, you barely realised that it was me.

So now, the fasting month has come again. and.. as usual, the first week of fasting month is the family time! How we all rushed home to break fast together. How we called each other who is still in the train/bus etc to inform that the time to break fast has come.

Memories that I hold so dear. The only memories I had as a kid.

So do refrain yourself from saying something stupid in some landmark towards your friends because you never ever know how she/he cling on this treasured memories..

NEWBIE

NEWBIE! That's what I am!!!!

I got booted out from diaryland! :(
after several years.. it's just plain upsetting.

Ok! So I'm still new to this site.. so it will take me some time... :)

Till then....