Time to reminisce

And so 2011 is coming to an end.

It has been anything short of wild, turbulence and crazy journey. I won't say it was that bad but I turn, changed and became someone different.

In short, it was the time I knew P. It was the time I almost lost Mr Big but I did, lose P. It was the time of uncertainty with my education. It was the lack of motivation to see beyond the present time. It was love however that spur my need to do some soul searching, finding for one that could lend me an emotional support, be the one I could put both hopes and faith in to find the strength to be grounded and not depressed.

I do feel however, I came out stronger and with a clearer mind. I became more certain of who I need and what I want. I begin to be more aware of speech, gestures and body movement. Although I admit, I do fall in between the cracks sometime.

I realize maturity doesn't equate with age. It comes in the way you think and how you deliver what you thought.

I know I've changed. My body, my mind, my beliefs.. Sometime I feel they betrayed me. Sometime I feel proud of them.

I'm glad Mr Big and my bestfriend stood by me. All along without doubting my decisions, always watching but never stopping. I couldn't ask for more from them.

With all these changes, all I hoped for... 2012 will be a better year. I'm still learning the new me. Like a renewed self, adjusting in a new container. A new year with a new beginning, a start of a new journey after the end of a dark period.

P... I yearn for a touch from you. Till we meet, know that my intentions and actions clashes. Because if I had followed my heart, I know you will stay right beside me. But me being me, I used my brains and made a grave mistake that I'm still learning to forgive myself and let it go. Maybe that's my curse. But I will never forget you.

Touch

For if I have a weakness, it's intelligence and touch.

The quiet touch that spoke by itself.

The twirling of fingers, stretching them apart, pinky to pinky. The kiss to the hands.

Rolling the hands to the stomach. A kiss to top it all of.

It's like having ice cream. The chills that ran down your spine even before you have a taste of it. The excitement in your heart. And when you have it, it melts your every desire.

And a good dessert lingers in one's mind. Be it ice cream with chocolate brownie or creme brûlée. It plays on and on and your yearning for it keeps returning.

A touch and a kiss at a spot, no one else knew, that melts me...

ForP

"That's the heartbeat"

Heart skip a beat, beating slower.


How did we get so mean to each other?

Why did we become nasty?

We became people who are unwilling to trust and unwilling to share the love we have.

We are turning into the very same person who we hate.

I love you. Always.

Cold

On cold days like these, I think a lot.....



I think of future possibilities.

I dwell on my past.

I see my current happiness.


I yearn the touch of the hands I never felt. I yearn for the warmth I never knew. FortheloveofP. They said time heals all pain. I say it's not. For it still hits me like a fresh accident. Uncertain of what happened and what is going to happen.

That brings me to another topic: babies. I don't know bout you but I do want to have my first kid when I'm 26. Believe me, there will be an age where you start to realize you do want to have a family. And starting it too late means you have to work longer so that you can pay off your kids education etc. Example: my dad. He has to work till 64 so I could graduate with no education loan.
Otherwise, you better be good with investment.

And then comes topic of investing. I'm trying to save as much money so I could start my investing. To make money out of money. We see what is out there.

I know

I know we needed each other. More than anyone can understand.



Yup, I need you.

LOVE

If I could summarise how I feel, it will be exactly as what these lyrics said.

What I wanted was to be the only one and above.

What I seeked for was to be in your thoughts before any decision you made.

What I needed was respect.


And tell me where have it all been?

I don't think I can tolerate anymore of this.

I don't think I can take another session of waking up in the morning to know that my man has disappeared with a woman to an exotic country all of a sudden. Even if that woman is not suppose to be of any harm. Even if we had both agreed she was just a friend.

But I think I had enough.

I'm sorry but I really do had enough.

I can't do it anymore.

Afraid

If there is one thing now I'm very afraid of, is to forget who I was and what I am.

I realize how easy it is to get carried away by the attention and glitz. And here I am, trying to stay as grounded as possible.

I wanna be in a better position but not forgetting that I'm the very same girl who enjoys eating cup noodle over fine cuisine. One who enjoys being on a bike than taking taxi anywhere. One who enjoys the company of her closest friends than caught up with superficial people.

One who enjoys her cheap loots- $5 dress/ $1 bag over branded names.

I know I am in a better position to get hold of any brand I want, to eat whatever I want to eat, to go anywhere without feeling a pinch. But I don't want to be that type of snob and start to look down or laugh at those still using a $10 bag etc.

Today, I saw a friend's photo on FB and all of sudden, I remembered you. The one I never get to hug and kiss. You been missed P. I realize I will never get over it.

Irritated

Everyone seems to irritate me today.

How my mom annoying question about her data bundle to someone's post on Fb to a simplistic question that became so difficult.

I don't why some people are just plain stupid.


Sheesh.

Pregnancy Pact

If you have the time, catch Pregnancy Pact.

I just watched it over YouTube and found it both amusing and intelligent movie as a whole.

Not being judgmental but the movie manages to place itself to attract both pro-abstinence and pro- contraceptive. To what point can we say it's ok for kids to have sex? How are we going to support these teenage moms? Needless to say, I think it's a good movie to catch.

The best quote:

"The truth is, when you get pregnant that young, there are no good options. Adoption, abortion, keeping it... They are not going to turn out exactly like what you think. They going to be painful and your life would be completely change forever."

Wisest words.

Say Hello to Corporate World

I've officially started working, in fact, 2 weeks already now. And oh boy! Ain't I glad I got this job. 9-5pm, Mon-Fri, good pay and good office view. In fact, my work seems good enough. I have been going for lunch meetings with brokers and other agents. To me, it actually helps me to see the career better and make me feel useful. Beside, I think it combines my passion: meeting people and doing math. AND talk bout politics here and there.

At some point, I wonder when I tell stories about my work, have I scandalized the story? Making it to a exaggerated point of disgust?

Well, I didn't. What happened was true and when I do share the stories, I wanted those people to know and be part of my life continuously. Not leaving him/her out as I progress further into work. My friends were there through out my ups and downs. Through the times when I was broke and beyond. Sharing these stories make me feel that they are a part of it too.

But of course, if you prefer not to hear these stories because for whatever reasons or I have made you insecure bout it, I will stop telling you from now on. Nothing bout the meetings, nothing bout work at all. If it's better this way, maybe we should do so.

If I had been too excited bout work, I apologize.

Thinking

We all had at one time in our life said we didn't want to have something, anything that could be- be it having a steady partner, be it being fat or whatsoever.


I, of course like everyone else, had said repeatedly before what I didn't want and who would have thought I will regret it. Who would have thought that is exactly what I wanted and now, I'm yearning for.

Due to some reasons with health, I'm beginning to fear what I had said without thinking previously may come true. I'm hoping that it wouldn't but no one can say with certain.

I never thought I would ever want that. A family- a cozy home, noisy kids and a responsible husband. I've always thought life without marriage and form of other responsibility would be more accommodating to what I want. But now I realise, that's not I wanted. I had been mislead with notions of career until I have been slapped in the face by reality. I hope I'm healthy enough to see through that day.

I'm sure it differs from everyone and everyone also have their own reasons. I'm just saying what you had wished against doesn't always meant that it's something that you wouldn't want to have one day. For me, what is all the money for if I don't have a companion to share my joy with. That's just a lonely person who would be remembered less by anyone but those who seek for your wealth and power.

Forced

It saddens me greatly that you refused to look at me.

Birthdays

Birthdays. Celebratory.

Precious.
I will somehow celebrate your birthday.
August 14.

I love you Precious.

Fasting month

I happened to stumble on a friend's opinion about fasting on Fb. It wasn't really pleasant and considering he is a Muslim himself, the opinion was disappointing. He went about saying how he doesn't see the point of fasting- giving back this social responsibility to empathize with those in need etc when one should be doing all year round. To me, he seems to miss a point.

People who dont fast will always ask someone who do, "How did you do it?" and many others alway forget that Muslims are not the only ones in the world who practices fasting. The Christians, Hindus and many other religions do it only perhaps with different techniques or rules involved.

To me, fasting month has always been a month I look forward for. It's time to cleanse yourself and try to redeem yourself for whatever mistakes you've made. Its a holy time. While it's true you should be doing good stuff all year round, I believe you can never truly empathize with another person's situation if you have never tasted what they do. So many poor people out there who doesn't have enough food nor sufficient water to survive and I feel the fasting month allow me to reconnect my senses and be humbled and feel blessed of my current life. It made me feel more for them than just wanting to give money to the poor.

A test of patience and faith. Rekindle your belief and love. A time for forgiveness and bridging.

Some people just don't get it. Until you do it yourself, you will then finally understand why the fasting month- one that looks torturous, is the only month where all Muslims around the world unite and be eager of.

With or Without You

Can you please sweep me off my feet with this song..?

I was revisiting some stuff we had. I smiled. Quite a lot actually.
I remembered how I cried.
I remembered how you called me babe.
I gazed away, thinking of how you used to console me.
of how I shared my deepest secrets and worse fears.
And I still like how you looked at me, how you touched my hand, how you made me laugh..

I'm hell glad I got you. Through all the bullshits and all the happiness, I could never ask for anyone better.


Sweet 6th L-anny-verysary.

A glimmer of hope

And so today goes my 2nd interview.

When I arrived at the place, to be exact AIA office, I don't feel good. My instict said they are offering me something that I will refuse, rather than the one I believe what they had offered me over the email.

So when I arrived and met the lady, she asked me to take a personality test. Afterwards, my instinct was right afterall. But the lady was very kind and was open to what I'm interested in. Well, to be exact she was shocked because not many wanted to pursue that field- yet. But I insisted on my passion and how it will worked for the company as well. So we continue talking and all, and hey! she said (according to her) that she will hook me up a 2nd interview, directly with the boss to discuss my choice of career. While we were talking, the boss did dropped by in the room and we were introduced. She gave a quick summmary of what I liked and he was surprised as well. He gave me an invitation to join them for a product launch this Saturday, which I think I will dropped by only if the HR lady remembered to email me the address!

But seriously, as I was talking to the lady, I feel good- optimistic even. For a moment, I saw a glimmer of hope that I can be nearer to what I think I like. So I'm really crossing fingers that I could get this particular niche job field.

Till then.

Btw, I will not be a financial consultant anytime sooner. Not my 1st few choices.

Satisfied

I surprise myself sometimes.

I never knew or tested how much I can care for someone. I realize my caring and adoration comes with respect and love. And this is the part I'm surprised. I never knew I could open my heart and feel love- to love and be loved, as deeply to a point that sometimes, it hurts. Because I care so much, I became afraid of losing it. I began to worry. And I never knew I would ever be in this position. To love someone with all your heart that it really hurts and scare you. Occasionally, it even makes me paranoid!

But I'm glad I did. Because embracing it all in makes me look at the world with a differing viewpoint. One that has more emotions than logic.

Hopeless

It's been 2 months. Fine... How bout a whole full one month?

I'm losing hope.

I don't know what else to do. Haiz.

What i want

There are so many things to find or do. This is my "I WANT" list!

I want to get my licenses done! My class 2A, class 3, swimming, maybe diving and other bunch of licenses that I can hold on to.

I want to do my cracked lens iPhone.

I want a new sling small bag for me to get around on a slack day.

Oh wait! I want a new wardrobe!

I want a good black heel- a comfortable, handmade and soft heel that I can walk around in hours! I have one contact now!

I want to do food-finding. Viet food, Jap buffet, HK dishes, carousel, think crust pizza and other countless ones.

I want to get Kawasaki ninja 250cc in red.

I want to be active in yoga or pilates or maybe, something more aggressive, kick boxing maybe?

I want to go New York next year. Or rather in my lifetime, to see Greece, backpack across Indochina, submerged in Maldives and seek the best viewing natural spots- aurora, eclipse.

I want to start investing my money accordingly.

Ok time to pop the bubble. 4th friend found a job, through referral. You know times are bad when friends alike can't find a job unless through referrals or a serious amount of relevant experiences. Bad bad. All 4 contractual as well. How insecure and to begin with, crisis is not starting yet. Well it will, in bout maybe after Nov this year? It's like a timebomb. Waiting for a big financial company to make a terrible mistake before everyone goes down. Bleurgh.

I'm more annoyed of not getting a job rather than my money dwindling down. I'm stuck at home, with nothing to look forward for, I actually really feel stupid. Sleep, eat, computer, eat, sleep. Bleurgh......

Talk

Talk is so fucking cheap. So fucking cheap.

Thankful. A word people seem not to understand anymore.

OWC

I wish that I get to meet someone, preferably a woman, from this club to explain to me in detail, the meaning of obedience in their context.

I can't help but to think over and over again about them as they spread further their wings, trying hard to plant these seeds of ideology.

Initially, I was taken aback. Did they say wife should be better than first class prostitute? Did they say that if wife are better in bed, the husband would not leave them/ stray/ mistress, whatever that may lead to a divorce?

And I tried very hard to think and justify their words. Especially so since it's supported by some women. Well, ok... A man is a man- egoistic, chauvinistic, whatever. Prideful, they are supposedly the leader of the family. So I guess, well if the wife let him do whatever whenever he probably thinks his wife is so great and etc. Well yeah, a wife duty is to serve the husband. But what exactly is this meaning of "serving"?

So you know what, I can't. I can't be any less mad at these women who think they can let these men get away with these ideas. Serving your husband dutifully is your duty whatever. But don't blame divorce on the wife's incapability to satisfy the husband. That is so narrow minded and trying a method called - one solution for all. So what are they trying to say- bad sex = wife's fault = husband straying/ gambling/ mistress = divorce? Omg. How much more dumb can this club be?

Let's start with sex.
Women associate sex with feelings. We don't normally have raging hormones, thinking bout sex 24/7. Wives got duties- some have to work while managing the house an the kids. So to get a women to have sex, apart from making her tipsy, is to make her happy first. A not happy woman = bad sex or even better, no sex.
Next, women takes time to get their body heat up. Once, I heard a joke- men are like microwaves and women, an oven. So if the man sucks at heating up the atmosphere, I'm guessing the lady can't be equal bothered as well.

Alright, done with sex. Let's talk about divorce.
Divorce are done mutually in most cases, if they don't already try to kill each other. Situations leading to divorce can be extensive. But look at this, it takes more than one factor alone to lead to a divorce. Don't blame bad sex for divorce. That makes you men look terribly dumb. There was a reason why you had gone down on one knee and asked her for a marriage. There was a reason that convinced you that for a moment you see your life great with her. Because she was pretty, loving, caring, strong.. Whatever your preference.
If you had strayed, was it truly her fault and solely, her fault? Afterall, it takes two hands to clap.

Until you get down to the bottom-line reason of why there is a rise in statistic for divorce, you will never get to solve the problem. Bad sex maybe a minute factor, probably more like morals and upbringing are preferably the point of reasonings. Sex cannot solve gambling addiction of a husband. Even good sex cannot solve a husband who has sexual addiction or a husband who cannot support the family. A marriage needs both parties to come together and work it out hand in hand.

And the best part, didn't this group also supported polygamy? How do you explain that then? A wife so obedient in bed and yet, a husband continue to seek for another wife. Bloody contradictions.

You know what I think, a woman who is submissive are the ones often get caught in these crazy problems. And ladies, if a man wants you to be obedient, taking everything and giving back nothing, leave that MCP (male chauvinist pigs)

We ladies deserve nothing less but a good true love from a man who understands and love us wholeheartedly. Don't go for anything lower. Oh, unless you're after his money.

Happy

You know what is the most difficult thing to achieve apart from growing money? It's happiness. People seek happiness in all sorts of ways. They found major gratification in differing ways: some found them in drinking, some found them in having a family, some found them by being alone.

I have been feeling pressured to upkeep a happy face. I begin to question myself...
For whom exactly am I doing a particular action for? Is it for me or is it for someone else?

At home, I feel pressured to please mom. Her and her stereotypes. In fact, I just overheard her telling her friend: Let her work, study so hard also for what?
Which for some reasons, got me all upset. All depressed. Pressured to show that my education will really materialized. That my brain is worth more than just facing books. I got tired.

When I'm out, I feel a constant need to please and make someone happy. I got tired.

No matter what I do to overcome my shortcomings, no one seemed to care. In their head, they have a major problem with a particular shortcoming. For my mom, it's about me still unable to find a job. For others, my lack of time and traveling spaces. But no matter how I try to cover my shortcomings, to placate them, it's always not enough. It's never enough. It's always I never try hard enough. I realize in my bid to make someone happy by trying to do everything else, they continue to pounce on that shortcoming. No matter what.

So I got tired. I got tired of pleasing and trying my best to make people happy. I realize in my bid to make them happy, I try to do all sorts of things that it starts to make me unhappy.

I begin to question like who exactly am I pleasing? What exactly do I get? Why, what and for whom are the biggest questions lingering in my head. If I'm fighting, at least I want to know why am I fighting. I want to know what am I defending.

Why are people expecting so much from me? Why are people so pressurizing?

And I needed to hear a genuine laugh. I need to see a genuine smile. That's all. But I swear, that is the most difficult thing to get by these days. To be genuinely happy without expecting anything more.

Because I'm truly tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of pleasing. I'm tired trying to make people happy, at the stake of my own happiness. I'm tired of defending.
I only have so much to offer. I know my shortcomings. I know my fault lines. I only can offer my genuine love and care but if you're true happiness lies in one able to do more things rather than all this bullshit love and care, than please move on. Because I've said, I've only so much to offer.

I don't understand

I don't understand a lot of things.

I don't understand why people have to be very mean and perspective have to divert always back to picking up small ancient matters that also created war.

I don't understand why OWC was such narrow minded bunch of people. Do they really think the problem with divorcing trends right now is due to women disobedience- or rather, not satisfying their husband needs accordingly? A suggestion so foolish that caused an outburst saying how Islam is immoral and only bout sex and violence. Foolish foolish group. It demeans women status which have never been taught in the teaching. It takes logic to understand certain rules but it takes some stupid influential people to change the whole meaning of a good rule. Religion and politics. Interestingly unnecessary.

I don't understand the true beauty of mother nature. Aurora, eclipse, sun, moon. There are so many out there, so many unseen and unheard of, so many yet to explore. To appreciate some of these beauties would be a delight to me!

I don't understand a human's mind. The brilliance can be both destructive and yet, scarily creative. So many home stay, camps, exotic places to see. Some in the safari, some in Norway. And if I have the money, I would visit all!

I don't understand human connection. Brain waves. But I like how couples turned up, surprised, caught in similar clothes. Grey shirt with a grey dress on. I like it. It's always like: great minds think alike! Or how, you look at each other and laughed heartily over a single liner because it's the weirdest comment ever.

I don't understand life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I want to achieve. But I know I will be fine. I just got that feeling, something good is coming. It will take awhile, but I can feel it coming.

I'm going to clear the air bout OWC in a lil while. For now, I'm happy. I've felt so elevated, best since weeks. Being cooped up at home is not really good for the brain. Sometimes, it makes me feel so lazy I can barely bother to know the current news. I refuse knowledge. So Mister Big is definitely a major psychiatrist. He should pursue that field. He would make a good one.


Qis Asroura, a beautiful name wouldn't it be?

Opportunities

I have been pretty much bumming and it's definitely not my expertise.

I'm so restless, agitated more like it, because I have nothing to look forward for, nothing to be excited for, nothing to be keen on. Nothing. And ya, I am supposedly on job hunting moments and boy, don't I hate job hunting! It's the most tedious part of all! Finding someone who would believe in you beyond all those certificates or the lack relevance you have. It doesn't matter if you have the brains but if in the paper, you can't prove it, you might as well scoot off.

So, I have been thinking on what I really like to do. My ambitions, my drive, my life in it. Guess what, I don't know a shit of what I want to do with my life. So they say let's begin with what you like- well, I like great music, make up, mathematics, puzzles, reading and most of all, I like to feel useful. I like arts, connecting and engaging with people around me. I like a lot of things, I can't pinpoint which want I want to pursue. Ok.. Fine, how bout starting with something I don't like? Well, I don't fancy being an insurance agent. Not because of the stigma, but rather I just don't feel right to it. There's just something bout it that I just won't gel. Even during schooling days, I realise I do not fancy the job of financial consultant. I won't say I hate it, I just don't fancy it. Preferrence.

And then, comes about this problem with experience. Someone should have told me when I was 16, how important your working life is. No matter how crappy that back end job, it's superficial you know why? Cause everyone wants to know that you work for this gigantic company although really, what you've been assigned to was crap. So now, my main background goes back to retail. See, I have no qualms about retail, in fact I love it! But when you have a major in Economics and Finance from some private institutions, the thing is no one thinks that whatever you learn in retail is useful and if any, most would think redundant.

Also, as I was reflecting, a job search is like 2 apples -red and green, assuming you have never eaten before an apple. You are not sure if red is better than green or if red is sweeter than green. But you've heard people telling you bout these apples. And you are not sure if you really like it. It's like you wanna try red apple but what if green apple is better, healthier? And you are not really sure if you are going to like red apple anyway. Then, comes the question of how are you going to find these apples? Do you grow yourself, find a direct supplier or find someone who knows where to get these apples? Since you have never tried any of these apples, how are you going to decide? What decisions to base on?

Headache. I'm definitely better off in school, academically; ignorant of this other world: the working world. But oh well, I'm supposed to be an adult now. So I should seek some income.

Being an adult is tough.

Till the right opportunity come calling my handphone, updates soon.



FortheloveofP

To a dear friend

Dear friend,

It's been so long since I last met you and we sat down for a talk. It's amazing how we could connect and talk at differing levels and understand each other. For that, I've always thank God that I knew you. You are not only a friend but I've regard you as my mini angel that reminds me of both tragedy and love in this world, in religious context.

And I'm so happy for you, even slightly envious, of the change I've seen in you. It's for a good cause and it makes you better as a person. For you have found the light, the path and the guidance, do hold on to it tight. Challenges are huge but I know you will do just fine.

You have always been there, supportive of me, assisting my understanding and like a good teacher, never scold me for my doubts. Logic and imparting knowledge, are definitely your strengths. Thank you for that.

One day, when I have found my will and the hints of light, I know you will be the proudest ever friend. Till then, please do not stop acknowledging my ignorance and continue teaching me. Remind me.

Death. Life. Such a thin line. But what wonders it bring.

Till then dear friend, I am so proud and relieve I know you as a friend. May all your prayers come true. I hope you continue being strong.. For you are my pillar of hope, that there are indeed truth somewhere out there.




FortheloveofP

The month May :)

Well, I spent time recapping and relooking how I've spend my month soon after things are settling down.. and here it goes:

I am so fucking glad that exams are over. :) Like I won't be studying anytime sooner. I'm pretty convinced once I've gathered enough money, I would do another cert of my real own interest and pursue it fully- an Acturial. It's totally geeky but I think it's damn cool and my appetite for maths would be satisfied, entirely.

I am fucking psyched for my grad trip that I'm treating myself- Bali. This could be our make it or break it kind of friendship. We prolly would never meet again due to schdules or grew even closer. I miss heading to school and seeing them, hanging out after class, spewing vulgarities to each other without any care. Hah. oh what a joy!

Apart, from me, Big is seeing some great changes. Got a bike- Diego, a bloody attention seeking bike and his current job, I am pleased that he loves it. So far things are looking good. I hope and pray for him, it will stay this way or even better. Rats, you're in luck in this year of Rabbit.

I'm pretty much happy, apart from some other problems, I'm pretty sure I'm getting a better hold of myself. While past cannot be rewritten, I truly hope it is for the better as I stare at the sky. I can never forgive myself. But I know, I will have to live with it all my life. Anyway, pray for my health. I am very convinced, internally I'm such a wreck. I better start taking care of my diet.

You are what you eat and what you do.


FortheloveofP


P.s: isn't this place wonderful?

http://www.lionsands.com/


:)

Rare

Words of comfort is either rare, something of the past or obligated.

Forgettable

I forsee a change.


And unfortunately, I'm the forgettable piece.
It's easy right, to just forget me?

Take care.

Recommend

I recommend you ladies who are above 21 years old to do a health check on yourself, regardless if you are a virgin or not.

To my precious,
I've done a health check up and the result don't look that good. I hope things go away soon. I told both of my sisters about my current finding and oh boy, they got so worried that both of them keep finding out more info for me. And I became more worried than i already am. I'm beginning to believe that internally I'm a wreck.

"You are what you eat".. I guess I have to take a real look in it and start to practice it.

Skinny people or even petite ladies, we are equally susceptible to health problems as others... The appearance of your body may deceive you. And what's worse, all these internal problems mostly have no symptoms unless you actively check for them.

Precious, sometimes I think this my punishment.

ImissuP

A change

The elections days are over. I was so in love with that period because for a moment, everyone is united and angry over the same stuff. Although I had doubted that the vote would translate as such.

But now, I can't stand looking at FB and people doubting WP's Mr Low. Why does the party effectiveness lies in whether they can do upgrading on these areas. These upgrading is based on our money. People who pay income tax, boys who went NS etc. So think again. If your area has been neglected from upgrading, is it your party fault of not doing so or the party was unable to get funds from we know who? it makes me sick that one thinks the effectiveness lies in visible changes. How about expensive houses? How bout your CPF moolahs? How bout education cost? How about having children? Are people really that short sighted or just plain ignorant?

For a change of topic,
a recent trip to the doctor almost made me faint. the skyrocket prices was shooting upwards so much. But for the sake of comfortability and privacy, i doubt i would change to another doctor. so that means, i need a job soon- like hopefully after Bali trip.

i can't wait for it!! :)

Gambattei

Hang in there.... To whatever it may be.
And don't doubt.

I will be back.
Support me like how I really need you to be....

To hear your voice was all it takes...
But it saddens me as well when I know this period is taking a toll on both of us.. it will come to an end.

And even though I wish I could at least hear you saying those words once... Its alright...
What's the point of saying things that you don't mean it anyway..?


I will be back and don't doubt...
Love

Numerology

Part of me lovvvveeessss horoscope or anything that "reads" future. I find it extremely fascinating. And so, today we read out based on our "numbers". Mine is 6.

Blah blah blah Inc family oriented, dominating, charismatic etc. I like this though: good parent. I hope I will be one day.

You know, sometimes I hear a nagging voice at the back of my head saying that nahhh you should never have a family coz you will just kill them off one by one. But deep down, I know I will protect my family when I do have one.

And then, I will always remember someone said to me, (Johan): You should try to trust yourself more.

That's one of the best observation a friend had ever passed to me. And every time Im confused, now I will just remember that quote.

Understanding

There are times where I see that even the person closest to me don't understand how I feel. To know what and how words can affect me. To know when silence speaks more volume.

One can only know if one has gone through it.

And emotionally, I haven't seen anyone who understands how I feel.

To understand is all I ask. But you can't even do that. If you don't want go through it and believe it as it never happened, then walk away. I will understand that.




ImyP

I wish

A lot of times I wish for some things I know I can't get easily. I mean everyone does... And here are mine.

I wish I had the liberty to travel as and when and anywhere without the constant worry of my parents. Without them thinking I've gone all "westernized" or rather, "Chinese" like what my mom always say to me. Being the youngest doesn't always mean pro, it has lots of cons too.

I wish I had the liberty of time. To be back home at any time without my parents calling, not sleeping, demanding to know where am I.

I may look like I didn't try enough. Believe me, it takes a lot of effort. It all boils down to my parents mentality.

My parents are very different. While mom is very chatty, she actually trust me a lot. When She scold me though, everything I've done for the last 10 yrs of my life suddenly popped back. But, She knows I've grown and I'm going to see more things soon. So while she is going to scold me for coming home late, she actually let me travel easily.

Dad, on the other hand, he is very quiet. He talks when necessary. He doesn't scold me, he merely questions me. Questioned what I was thinking at point of error and only at point of error. But, he won't let me go. He still view me as the baby of the family. The youngest and the forever studying child. The one he took care longest. For that, I guess that's why he is so afraid of letting me go.

For some reasons, they are still hanging on strongly.


Sometimes, I wish I have the access to turn back time. So that I can rewrite history that wouldn't haunt you anymore. So that some grave mistakes didn't occur at all.

Is it too late to forgive? Or maybe is it possible to forget? Can we ever overcome this problem? Or are we going to be how my parents, my mom to be exact, talking bout mistakes of years ago and yet, irrelevant to what the current problem is? It doesn't solve the current problem and in fact, bringing past feelings emerge again.

I have tried to change and to accommodate. Sharing a huge history I hope neither of us will ever forget, at least I know I won't at all.

If they say things happen for a reason, I hope the sole reason: its a test of time.

I know who I truly love and care for. Please don't tell me who I should love instead, unless you think likewise; that you regret and you should have loved someone else.

Ugly again

I woke up feeling so tired. And ugly.

I wish I could just scrap the skin off my hand. Let the new skin grown and heal. I wish.

It's plain ugly. What's with the bumps and blood spots. Its terrible.

Awhile

It's been awhile since I felt like that.

I felt like we just knew each other. I like how we flirt all over again. I like how we just walked and found ourselves at some place which I insist it's "another island". Well, technically, it is you know. We were divided by some sea water!

I like how we were singing at the expressway.
For a moment, I think, if you told me we can fly off the bridge, I probably would have done it.

It's been awhile since we had such an attractive date, one I wasn't bitchy about and all. I hope what I have stopped taking will stop it's side effect too. As of now, I noticed my back pain has grown milder. I really believe the side effects had jeopardize my life and my mental health.



If only I could leave the country.. It would have been perfect. I miss my man.. And sweet P. The only ones I hold dear to heart..

Me to you

Hey P.
Have you ever thought of bringing me with you?

Nobody seems to understand what I'm going through anyway. My family don't get it. My friends laugh at it. I tire my boyfriend out.

A vacation. Me to you. Wonderful

P

Hie P. It's been 2 months. I miss you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking into depression. And then I will quickly grab for something to remind myself my reasons of existence. Shouldn't depression occur to those with weak mental health? I shouldn't be one of those. But then, I keep slipping. My grip loosening up. That sometimes my happiness seems like a facade. My happiness is to make other people happy. Sometimes it gets really lonely even when you're surrounded by the people you've known forever.

I can't forget you P. I'm sorry. I don't even have a picture of you. And sometimes, in nights like this, I cry for you, wondering if you feel my ache. And the pain I've caused to us. I'm sorry P.

I wish I could somehow make it up to you. But it's impossible.

Bored?

I have gone boring, haven't I?
Well I thought I tried enough.

Mixed

So many things that I wanna get.

So many things I know it's purely impulsive.

Perfume, dresses, tops, blusher, concerts and the list can continue endlessly. And I bought wedges and really cute sandals just now. Feeling pretty happy with the stuff that I got.

Until I got back home and saw a letter addressed to me from the bank. Should have known better than to shop without barely any money and try to ask your boyfriend to pay for your deals.

Ok... Time to postpone all wants and needs.

Not sure how am I going to do it but it's time to redraft my bankrupt moments and stop relying on my boyfriend.

Hoping

I was hoping that you would have followed me. That some words just flow.
But when I turned around, you were no longer there.

Why did I even think you would do that?

Guess my lecturer is right.
Historical trend lines equate nothing to future actions, but a hint.

crossed fingers

I'm going to visit the doctor tomorrow.

Let's hope I get something concrete, or at least something to remove my paranoia.

Trying to stay optimistic is tough, esp when your first sister said you looked terrible. bleurgh.

I realised being flawless almost all my life, I can't handle all this breakouts and skin infection. It really makes me depressed. Call me superficial or whatever, I don't give two hoots. I just want my flawless skin back.


Crossing fingers.

Double Yuck

Dad asked what happened to my hand. Mom asked me to put this ointment and that ointment.

Why nothing happens?

In fact, it's getting worse.

I'm developing annoying allergies towards my favourite food.

Initially it was just lil prawns -dad calls them "udang air tawar"..
Now I think it's spreading to other stuff like salmon and sardines.

I'm seriously not at the age to develop any allergies. Goodness.

And the skin is just getting more sensitive. I succumbed to mosquitoe bites and these bites stained my hand.

You know what I hate most? Doctors cant do shit bout this.

I feel like my scrapping the skin away. It will build new skin anyway.

Yucks

I hate my left hand. It's ugly.

Energy and Horoscope

Do you believe that there is all this strong/ weak or positive/ negative energy around you?

How much of our existence have already been predetermined or beyond our ability to change?

Well, I had a great talk with a bunch of friends. I've always been fascinated with Chinese teachings of medical related. The Ying and yang, the 5 elements, the horoscope..

So a friend told me how his uncle who is based in New York is a professional acupuncturist and other TCM. So he did a reading on my friend and his relationship. It's fascinating. Out came how his girlfriend and him would be having a bad year (last year) which happens to be true. Also, he did other readings on my friend which happens to be freaking true. We went on talking bout some of his uncle very famous clients. I was so stunned bout this particular thing we discussed. Your spouse or your child can suck out the energy of you. Which means it will destroy you. Of course there are those that help you grow better spiritually.

There you go.. The start of my increasing obsession as I seek out what's my element.

I know those who said, my life is defined by me. But i believe there is all this energy around us. It exists even in Physics, so why wouldn't it exist in another form- say spiritually. Anyway, I already have a bad start. And I neeeddd to graduate. So yes. I need all the positive energy. Although I did read this article that says I will have 2 very low months and 10 peak months. I hope the 2 months is now coz nothing beats this bad start of the year.

Of course I believe in God but God also said he helps those who help himself. Therefore I'm trying to help myself, God would somehow make it work ;) ok let me be optimistic.

Always for you

Sometimes I wonder if you can see it. Sometimes I think you do but choose not to.

From the people I'm exceptionally closed with to the people I even study with. I always placed you in my head.

That I always try to make it right by asking for permission, instead of just informing.

Sometimes I wonder if you doubt that P was yours.

Sometimes I harbor between telling and not telling.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm secondary

Sometimes I wish you can read my thoughts.

I hate Feb

Feb has been a month of either making people going broke or bankrupt.

I was broke. So now, I'm bankrupt.

I haven't paid my bills for 2 months now. After so longggg, I suddenly realized I'm in a deep shit coz I haven't had enough savings aside to settle it by myself. Well I had savings until a turn of event. To date: it's beyond $200.

My three best buddies birthday are a day after another. We were thinking of going out, only 3 of us or with some others. But then, I have another problem.

I checked my bank bal 1: $7 and then, I checked another bank bal, even better. $1.

I can't even topped my ezlink card so I have been saving all my best for transport by walking.

And I have already been borrowing my sister's money. Looks like I have to do it again.

I'm torn between trying to get another job and thinking of how to juggle my school work. It's just tough this time.



I wish March will be kinder to my pockets.

Aching

This got to be the worse.

I can't climb up the stairs nor going down.
My right leg is numb and I can't bend it.
My left arm is aching.
My joints hurts like mad.
My spine is aching

I'm limping around and mom keep asking me not to go to school.


And I'm missing my baby who refuse to talk to me.

Tell me how am I going to study for the tests?
sheesh.

Pink ribbons and flowers

Sometimes, like now while I'm sitting down in the train, I wonder....

Did I do the right decision?

How pretty is the flower and how it would bloom?


I shut my eyes, swallow a big lump of saliva and blast off my songs.


FortheloveofP

Rabbit without Ears 2

I love Rabbit without Ears- both part 1 and part 2!
It's really cute.

If part 1 was about falling in love, part 2 is about trust and commitment.

And there were certainly a few parts that all of us can really relate to.

I, especially love the part when they both confessed that they both slept with another, and the guy refuses to forgive her. Well, they did the same stuff - like the girl said. The guy, however, thought that was absurb and disgusting. Interesting.



"When you're really in love, can you forgive bad mistakes?"


Can you?

<3

p.s: Mr big, you owe me a date for both sleeping while I'm talking and stood up for lunch. I wanna add, for not calling me tonight. Just to add to the pettiness.

Jittery

Ok I'm getting restless to the fact that I'm not earning. I've always kinda work during the semester to tide in miscellaneous stuff like paying my bills, buying new stuff or just have the luxury to spend MY OWN money.

And I know I'm going to be relying on Mr Big a lot this semester since I can't find any job. But really, it's not fair for him and ultimately, an additional burden he has to carry until I have a job. This can't go on..

I'm so broke I cant even buy my best buds birthday gift on my own and have a real good time celebrating. It's just so frustrating for me.

Valentine's

I celebrated my Valentine's early. Well not that we really say we did but I will assume I had celebrated it already.

A movie marathon at my home with best bud and Mr big was awesome except we don't have popcorns.

The lil surprise in the middle of the night.

The soft snoring at the back of my ears.

The protective hand guarding me like I would fall off the bed while sleeping.

The small kicking he made.

The morning kiss.

MacD breakfast!

Another lil surprise in the evening.

Baby shower. Thank god no similar gifts!

And so, I had a good weekend. I hope it stays this way... Make me feel happy and all. I hope you too. ;)

I {} travelling

Of all things, I've just realised I pick a fight with a man as old as my dad without giving a concern of my surrounding or his age etc.

Next, my parents are so proud of me for doing it.


How hilarious can that be? Bizarre no?


Cherating trip was awesome, full of dramas, games and laughter. Of course, huge heart attacks as well, literally.
I had fun in the swimming pool playing water polo with my sister and this Malaysian family. Cute. Their daughter keep "guarding" me by pulling my hand or pushing me into the water. Can you believe it? I was attacked by a 10 year old scrawny girl! Terrible fate I had!
My mom managed to get my sister and I a ride on the ATV, twice with one time payment. Hah. Mom is the best person in getting discountttttsssss... and then she uses me to get more keropok from this pasar. We had like 3 free bags of keropok for that. Great.

Ok. So I need a breather. First Phuket and then Cherating. That's it. Should have a longer break. Time to focus back on books. Sob Sob Sob...




Mr Big, Lankayan Island. I think it's time to see Sabah/Sarawak.
Check it out. :)

Back up Plan

I finally catch some movies. So yesterday, on Mr Big's advise, I watched Coraline and chose another, the Back up Plan.

Coraline is a great odd movie. I mean, It's a lil mind fucking. There is this "another" world hidden behind, enticing, capturing souls. It's a dark childish animation, I would say. The yearning of a complete and perfect family given by "another mother" in another world. It's wicked but you kinda feel for the girl.

Back up plan is a cheesy love movie. Predictable ending. In fact, I didn't even wanna the ending. It was a real sweet movie and heavily pregnant JLo glows in her bridesmaid dress. hmm. Let's skip the ending already.

At night, Mr Big brought me out drinking. Great. Knowing I can barely hold my liquor/alcohol. And this idiot, made me drink 1 beer, 2 vodka and a shot CONSECUTIVELY. Tsk. and you call me weak when I vomit it out in the end. PPPPFFFTT. How often I drink again? Not fair.

And i bet you loovvee how I looked. Messy, falling apart and definitely needy. Hah! How terrible.......

Next time, a better one alright! ;)


Meanwhile, you Mr Big might like this hot girl:

Expectations

Let's draw things clearly: I like being a perfectionist.

So anyway, I guess I'm a lil upset realising I will never be perfect. Hah.
You could have deserved someone's better loving. I was just thinking, you could if you want to.
It's just a matter of the right opportunity rising.


I had a lil walk all alone and figured something out. I rather you tell me everything than not telling me. It's plain ego and "ouch" a lil, but I'm good at something. Blocking emotional thoughts. So, yes. I'm ok. Don't worry bout me. I bounce fast.

One of my thoughts is I should stop talking bout the big "M". It scares you off and it makes me hyper too much. It's going to be caged in my lil brain and my own pleasure imagination.

Second, "P" would not be mentioned here anymore further. It's reserved to my personal notebook and my own reading. I've said more than enough here and I'm not fearful of other's thoughts. It doesn't affect me. I know whose thoughts matter and those people are the only ones I care for.
Unless one is purely unsinned, don't judge another's sin.

And it's time to move on. The boys are waiting for my next move and I should start bossing. Time to ace something.

Time to pull myself out from the air.
To push all that insecurities I'm having with my body aside. The stretchmarks, the shrinking boobs, the unsmoothed back. You know what I want to do, I want to hide. I'm just feeling ugly. and terrible at everything else.


Urgh.

Boyfriend

Technically, this boy never asked me to be his girl. Which means, I've been vvveerrryyyy much loyal to one guy althought he never asked me officially. PFFT! Take that!



Mushy.


Ok. In all, I'm excited. I can really feel goodness flowing for this upcoming weeks although money is not flowing in any faster. Mr Big, I hope he gets what he likes. I hope he gets his breakthrough. Me? I can already feel some HD getting my way this semester. Not settling for anything else. I need Mr Big to back me up on that. We will pull this off strongly sweetheart.


By the way, I hate it when people keep saying I have it all. I don't. All this crap bout I have brains, beauty and stable boyfriend, crap.. If you don't know how we started out, don't say shit. And I'm hardworking. That's all.

For the better

Things are picking up from where we left. Confessions. We both heard enough.

But I guess I've opened up more than I thought I could. My heart and brain has open up to an idea previously I shunned. Precious.

Suddenly, I feel like I know what I want. Previously, I want a career, the money and a great sex life with the one I love. Marriage is a no-no and kids will ruin my life.
Now, I still want that career and money. But also, I seek for that eternal love that will back me up during my highs and lows. I want to find God in my heart and grow that love seed for 9 months in me, to remind myself the worthy of a woman that God only bless to us.

I want to wake up every single morning to see my love and close my eyes every night knowing I'm safe.

And you know what, I've never felt more certain that this will really happen to me. Soon. Maybe not so fast like within 3 years or something but somewhere in the future it will.

Or maybe, I've just gone crazy.

Always for you

For everything we do, it will always be for you.

I have gotten what I wanted to hear. I've learned.
Don't worry, Precious...

I will never forget you.


Love.

Vomit

Dear stomach,

I'm beginning to feel a lil too sick. Enough already. Everytime I eat, I vomit it all out. I can only eat crackers. I want to eat all those food, burgers and all. I'm beginning to feel like I'm having some eating disorder. Puke and more puke. Breathe.


From your unworthy owner,
Kiss kiss.

Noticed

My stomach haven't been strong still. I vomit after meals. diarrhea too. But I dragged myself out from the bed to bring mom and granny up Singapore flyers. Granny was so excited. Dad refuses because he can feel gravity pull with his weak heart. I don't want him to get attack in the air. Both granny and mom thought you came along. And mom was telling granny how even you agreed I keep buying the same type of clothes.

The very mentioned of your name itself struck my heart deep.

I noticed that you had hide your relationship status. You might have done it earlier but yes, I did notice it before I left home.

Does that mean we have ended or is it, just me?

That questioned lingered in my head for the entire day. I got tired to put up with a happy front. I'm suppose to be pulling up my socks already to kickstart the project work. The boys are waiting for my move. I can't even read well right now, the fuck?

And the only best thing that happened was you replied, with a question mark as a start.

But I still felt I had lost you out there.

Maybe..

Maybe in the future you're going come back..
Only way to really know is to really let you go.


maybe.....

Corner of your heart

I wish..... I could occupy one minute of your day.

The scene kept replaying in my head. A torment indeed.
I never wanted to hurt you. It was never my intention.
I felt guilty. I felt ridiculous. I'm lost.

A friend told me to let you breathe. Let you go.
I can't.

I'm grasping for every thin line that I could not to let you go.
I checked my FB relationship status every 10 mins.

And then, it dawns me. My presence is hurting you.
I'm hurting you in every way that I thought could amend things.
My touch, my voice, my face.. My very last words hurt you.

As much as I just want you back in my arms, I'm being selfish.
Stupid, selfish me.


So go my love. Go and take your much needed break from this monster.



I kept looking at the clock. 13:20. The time I woke up.
I wish so bad I felt pain. A pain that would shoot up through my brains.
But I'm that useless.. I can't even feel any pain.
There was no pain. No pain..
I keep reaching but there was no pain.
Fucking useless me.

Losing

I'm losing my grasp. I'm lost for words. I'm desperate to make things right and I can't. I'm losing.... And as I reflect, I deserve it. Afterall, a mistake or not, I cheated still.

I feel so lost. Suddenly, thrust to be alone without your guidance. Taking that step has never been so difficult. And all I want.. All I want.. Is to curl back in your arms.

I sat in the train. Looking at a couple in front of me.



I lost Precious and Mr Big on the same day. What does that make me?


Stupid. That's what I am. Too stupid to not see what I had.

Porcelain Fist

I decided to call you, Precious. To label you and make you feel more real. 14th Jan 2011 will never be forgotten because of you.

I could have be with you but precious precious, that's what you are. And I'm not fit. I apologies.... Yes, I wish I was....

You've marked my life. I should have been your caretaker but I failed. Even from the start... My heart heavy with the final news. I only have myself to blame.

And for you, I've decided that my schooling life has now a purpose. It's dedicated to you. Rebuilding pieces of my life that is now felt empty. And I promise to seek the inner peace and learn to forgive myself.

And you Precious, shall remain ever dearest to my heart.

Wronged

1] I need a freaking job, sooonnn. I can barely pay my bills with all this waiting.

2] School wasn't entirely fun. It was normal..

3] Reflecting on what I'm going to do.. How wrong it's all turning out. And simply afraid to go through this.

4] I never meant to hurt you. A total disgrace on my part. And i know sorry is aint enough.

Moving on

After being in Phuket bout 5 nights, I want nothing more but a bed and mineral water.

Time to detox the body from all beer and other cocktails, or whatever sinful stuff that entered my body. Phuket- island of sins and pure lust. Too many hot girls and cheeky boys around. I was checking out girls way too often that someone questioned my sexuality. Hah.

School starts in bout 12 hours time. And I'm not ready yet for it. Heart is still in Phuket. There's a scent in Phuket that I fell in love with which till now I can't identify. I smelled it yesterday when the family at Changi but I can't locate who sprayed that perfume or something. Too fast.

Made friend with a girl at Phuket and she invited me to go with her in May. She has the hots for my cousin. Heh. Got to check out whether he wanna see her still. Hah! ;P


P.s: Mr big, I heart you still. <3

Because the truth is

Because the truth is.... I have lost all my excitement to head Phuket.

Because the truth is... I'm still checking my hp wondering if you had cared.

Because the truth is... I wish you had ask a simple question like- How are you feeling?

Because the truth is... I'm not sure if we are holding on together.

Because the truth is... It's mentally and physically draining.

Because the truth is... I foresee I will be going through all this alone.

Difficult

And you thought you're going through a hard time.
2010 was an amazing year and stunning. How I see some of my friends literally grow and be somewhat achievers in their life. I'm glad and proud of them. But unfortunately, I have to face this. It doesn't end with a bang. It ends with a paranoia.

2011, I hope I would be a better person. To find inner peace and move on with my life. I thank my beloved friend for being with me through this tough time. And I endlessly thank her for keeping me sane. To a more awesome friendship and a long lasting one.


I'm disappointed. I thought you could handle it much better but now, I realize you're not fit for the news. You disappeared. Literally out of my life. If you think the news was hard, what bout me?
Move on with your life.
If I have to pull through this alone, I will.



Phuket. Here I come! Alone and in peace.
Bless me with some good luck ;)